Good-Sinful Alliance: 2012 Conference – Keynote Address By Severus Snape

“Hello, folks, Claudius Templesmith here! It’s lovely to see so many evildoers and their good supporters in the audience at only the first Good-Sinful Alliance Conference! Even more amazing is that I was asked to be the emcee for this whole thing. Well, maybe it isn’t so amazing – I’m very well-known for my stellar narration of the Hunger Games, brought to you by CapitolTV… what’s that? Oh, do shut up, Vader. We all know that you wanted to be the emcee, but let’s face it. No one can really understand what you’re saying and besides, your respirator has been having issues and we have to plug it in and you know we couldn’t find an extension cord long enough… what’s that now? You’re going to what? That’s it! I’m coming down there right now to… Oh, sorry about that, Sauron, your ‘Eyeness. Yes, yes, of course. Sorry for the disruption. Let’s get back on track.

Anyway, just as in the conferences that good people have, we have a keynote address to kick things off. Our speaker today is, of course, the president of our GSA. He is a Hogwarts alumni, tenured Death Eater, ex-Potions teacher, Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher, and Headmaster of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. This man has first-hand experience with good-evil relations, having advised both He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named and Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore. Let’s all give a big hand to Severus Snape!”

“Thank you, Claudius.

You are here to learn the subtle science and exact art of good-sinful relations. As anyone who has read the series of seven Harry Potter books – also available in the form of eight of these Muggle moving-picture-things for anyone who’s stupid enough to need them – written by a Ms. Rowling will know, I am supremely qualified to speak on this subject. As there is little foolish fighting and plotting here, many of you will hardly believe this is evil. I don’t expect you will really understand the beauty of good-sinful cooperation, the delicate power of alliances that can take over the world, bewitching the mind, ensnaring the senses… I can teach you how to work together, become famous, create glory, even stop death – if you aren’t as big a bunch of dunderheads as I usually have to speak to.

Now that we’ve got that out of the way, I’ll move on to the purpose of our gathering here- what? Oh yes, yes, I can see you there, my Lord, jumping up and down and waving your arms around. What did you say? …I told the technicians that we should have set up the audio system by magic, but no, Mr. Beetee wouldn’t hear of that… oh, did he say that he wants to know why I’m the president when he’s the Dark Lord and I’m just a Death Eater? Okay. Fine. It’s because this thing wouldn’t have gotten off the ground if it weren’t for me. I’m the one who looked up what GSA is short for in the Muggle world. It doesn’t stand for “Got Some Angst?”, Kronos. Sorry about that.

And I’m the one who came up with the motto. I was listening to the Muggle radio the other day – yes, my Lord, I see you there. I was trying to find Potterwatch, you see. Yes, yes, I know all Muggles are filthy and so is their music. Anyway. They were playing a song by the Rolling… Stones, I think.

And that leads me to why we are gathered here. Sympathy for the Devil is our motto; we aim to get more support for evildoers everywhere. No one has really cared about the mad scientists laboring away in dungeon laboratories or the homicidal maniacs who keep meticulous body counts. No one offers them encouragement. As a result many of them have not reached their full potential.

So we ask you, good supporters, to show a little sympathy for us. You open schools for your children but don’t always want us to do the same. How will the children of evil have a future? Pass legislation allowing us our full rights, like being able to visit each other in hospital and adopting children. I mean, really, people. Just allowing us to adopt children will stop us from stealing children so that we can raise them in our own evil ways.

Finally, let me say this:

The Dark Arts are many, varied, ever-changing and eternal. Fighting them is like fighting a many-headed monster, which, each time a neck is severed, sprouts a head even fiercer and cleverer than before. You are fighting that which is unfixed, mutating, indestructible.

You’re not going to win against us. So why not support us? It will stop us from destroying you. Why not join the GSA?

Thank you, ladies, gentlemen, and various creepy evil beings like Gollum whose gender I am not sure of.”

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About nevillegirl

Elizabeth. University of Iowa class of 2019. Triple majoring in English & Creative Writing, Journalism, and Gender, Women's, & Sexuality Studies. Twenty-one-year-old daydreamer, introvert, voracious reader, aspiring writer, and lesbian. Passionate about feminism, mental health, comic books, and cats.
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29 Responses to Good-Sinful Alliance: 2012 Conference – Keynote Address By Severus Snape

  1. orphu44 says:

    “Let’s face it. No one can really understand what you’re saying…” And yet they put him on phone duty. Hehe…
    And Severus Snape, oh my – uh – Gollum. I just see him stepping up to the podium with that expression on his face – and his speech seems familiar for some reason. I think I might have read it in a book once? 🙂
    Thank you for reporting on this. It’s brilliant!

  2. Kate says:

    ROTFL! XD That was hilarious! I loved the last line best. XD Gollum is a great character for so many reasons.

    • nevillegirl says:

      Snape actually SMILED when he read your comment. I’ve never seen him do that before!

      • Kate says:

        I made Snape smile?!?! O.O Yay! 😀 Many people really don’t appreciate him for how much he went through to try and protect Harry. I cry every time I read the part where I have to watch his memories. He was awesome in the movies, too. (But, Snape, you could’ve been a little more open-minded and nicer to Harry).

        • nevillegirl says:

          Yes, but he saw me looking and pretended that he hadn’t been smiling and yelled at me. I’ve been eviscerating Flobberworms all night as punishment…

          He just said that you are a foolish Muggle. *cough* I think he’s very happy that you said he was awesome. *cough*

          Being around evil people is hard work…

  3. *giggle Fits* Okay Okay – I now mandated that you MSU find and watch Dr. Horrible’s Sing Along Blog – you will find it highly amusing.

    As to this alliance of yours… hm… Do you need a representative of Unicorns, Rainbows and e4vrything Nice… I cna contain the sparkliness, and if you ever come across an extreemly angery Unicorn… well just hope the givey ou a quick death… *grins*

    • nevillegirl says:

      Haha, I might check it out…

      Oh, possibly. I’ll have to consult the president, though.

      • Oh my Hats! I thought of something I could contribute to this wonderful conference on my drive to work, but then I forgot it.

        Well, I can also offer my seamstress abilities. For every Evil doer ought to be dressed to impress and As Chalrey can atest to, I am the woman for that job.

        Additionally, I have two vilians who would like to join. I present to you:

        General Jacobus Wholawski, villian of my Phoenix Trilogy. He’s looking to unite two kindgoms under his rule and uses nepharius methods for obtaining information (though he’s having problems producing an heir to carry on his legacy, but you might not want to mention that). He is, however a Muggle – My appologies Professor Snape.

        I would also like to present Master Magi Nora T Era, while I have yet to compelte her book, she’s turning into something quite spectacular, and her mastry of Iturrian magic is unrivaled (not that it’s not stopping young my heros from trying). She just recently informed me that she has not yet, in fact, been banished to the umpteenth level of the Grey Plain (aka Iturrian Hell). Oh, she’d also like to mention an expert on animating dead magi. (And her dresses sparkle to rival the sun!)

        But really, there was something else I just knew I could contribute… but what in the world was it…. :}

        • nevillegirl says:

          Don’t worry, that’s the story of my life. 😛

          Lovely! Some of the villains need help making more outfits because they’re selling like bodies hotcakes after the Catwalk of Evil GSA Fashion Show.

          “Nice to meet you!” *festoons with little GSA buttons*

  4. So, Engie, you’ve finally begun writing fanfiction. I did enjoy the “Your ‘Eyeness”, though.

  5. Pingback: Tall, strong, well-mannered hero? Yawn. Tactless, arrogant, misanthropic sociopath? Yes, please. « The Broke Bookworm

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