“Hello, folks, Claudius Templesmith here! It’s lovely to see so many evildoers and their good supporters in the audience at only the first Good-Sinful Alliance Conference! Even more amazing is that I was asked to be the emcee for this whole thing. Well, maybe it isn’t so amazing – I’m very well-known for my stellar narration of the Hunger Games, brought to you by CapitolTV… what’s that? Oh, do shut up, Vader. We all know that you wanted to be the emcee, but let’s face it. No one can really understand what you’re saying and besides, your respirator has been having issues and we have to plug it in and you know we couldn’t find an extension cord long enough… what’s that now? You’re going to what? That’s it! I’m coming down there right now to… Oh, sorry about that, Sauron, your ‘Eyeness. Yes, yes, of course. Sorry for the disruption. Let’s get back on track.
Anyway, just as in the conferences that good people have, we have a keynote address to kick things off. Our speaker today is, of course, the president of our GSA. He is a Hogwarts alumni, tenured Death Eater, ex-Potions teacher, Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher, and Headmaster of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. This man has first-hand experience with good-evil relations, having advised both He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named and Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore. Let’s all give a big hand to Severus Snape!”
“Thank you, Claudius.
You are here to learn the subtle science and exact art of good-sinful relations. As anyone who has read the series of seven Harry Potter books – also available in the form of eight of these Muggle moving-picture-things for anyone who’s stupid enough to need them – written by a Ms. Rowling will know, I am supremely qualified to speak on this subject. As there is little foolish fighting and plotting here, many of you will hardly believe this is evil. I don’t expect you will really understand the beauty of good-sinful cooperation, the delicate power of alliances that can take over the world, bewitching the mind, ensnaring the senses… I can teach you how to work together, become famous, create glory, even stop death – if you aren’t as big a bunch of dunderheads as I usually have to speak to.
Now that we’ve got that out of the way, I’ll move on to the purpose of our gathering here- what? Oh yes, yes, I can see you there, my Lord, jumping up and down and waving your arms around. What did you say? …I told the technicians that we should have set up the audio system by magic, but no, Mr. Beetee wouldn’t hear of that… oh, did he say that he wants to know why I’m the president when he’s the Dark Lord and I’m just a Death Eater? Okay. Fine. It’s because this thing wouldn’t have gotten off the ground if it weren’t for me. I’m the one who looked up what GSA is short for in the Muggle world. It doesn’t stand for “Got Some Angst?”, Kronos. Sorry about that.
And I’m the one who came up with the motto. I was listening to the Muggle radio the other day – yes, my Lord, I see you there. I was trying to find Potterwatch, you see. Yes, yes, I know all Muggles are filthy and so is their music. Anyway. They were playing a song by the Rolling… Stones, I think.
And that leads me to why we are gathered here. Sympathy for the Devil is our motto; we aim to get more support for evildoers everywhere. No one has really cared about the mad scientists laboring away in dungeon laboratories or the homicidal maniacs who keep meticulous body counts. No one offers them encouragement. As a result many of them have not reached their full potential.
So we ask you, good supporters, to show a little sympathy for us. You open schools for your children but don’t always want us to do the same. How will the children of evil have a future? Pass legislation allowing us our full rights, like being able to visit each other in hospital and adopting children. I mean, really, people. Just allowing us to adopt children will stop us from stealing children so that we can raise them in our own evil ways.
Finally, let me say this:
The Dark Arts are many, varied, ever-changing and eternal. Fighting them is like fighting a many-headed monster, which, each time a neck is severed, sprouts a head even fiercer and cleverer than before. You are fighting that which is unfixed, mutating, indestructible.
You’re not going to win against us. So why not support us? It will stop us from destroying you. Why not join the GSA?
Thank you, ladies, gentlemen, and various creepy evil beings like Gollum whose gender I am not sure of.”