“Hello again, folks! Claudius Templesmith here once again as your emcee at the Good-Sinful Alliance Conference 2012, by now with a much hoarser voice. Happily, I’ve now regained the use of all my limbs after being attacked by Bellatrix Lestrange on Day Two… long story. Today, we’ll be talking about fun activities for your children!
This problem has plagued evildoers for centuries: what should you do with your children? Eating them is always a possibility, but perhaps you want them to participate in a good program. There’s always the tried-and-true Hunger Games, but the problem is that you might not get Junior back. Then again, depending on your child, that may be what you want. As long as you’re OK with someone else possibly eating your child.
So! What else is there for evil kids to do? Plenty!
NaEvDeeMo, sadly, is just past us. It stands for National Evil Deeds Month and is based upon the utterly foolish National Novel Writing Month, or NaNoWriMo. Really, who would spend a whole month writing a novel? That’s such a… a… a… good thing to do! Ugh, I just can’t stand the thought of being so good! In NaEvDeeMo, participants create evil plots and then enact them! The goal for the adult program (ages thirteen and up) is 50,000 evil deeds committed between November first and November thirtieth. The YEP, or Young Evildoer’s Program, allows those seventeen and under to personalize their evil-deed goal.
Evil Driver’s Ed is another splendid option – for those over sixteen years of age, of course. We don’t want to break any laws. Nope. No way. Law-breaking is not for us. In this course, responsible teenagers learn the skills needed to be good getaway drivers. Robbing a bank? No need to hire a mercenary or even your ordinary cab driver. Just have your kid do it for you. Evil Driver’s Ed covers evasive driving maneuvers, how to drive a over a cliff and land safely, hotwiring, and proper turn signal procedures.
Future Villains of America is based in the Midwest. I’ll quote from their website: “Our mission is to prepare future generations for the challenges of tormenting a growing population. We teach that evildoing is more than tormenting and maiming – it’s a science, it’s a business and it’s an art.”
Perhaps you’ve heard of 4-H? Well, we have our own version, called 4-T. The Ts are Torturing, Tormenting, Terrifying, and Tortellini. 4-T is open to all children of evil in grades K-12 and aims toward four things. Children learn how to become expert torturers, as well as tormentors (which is like a more humane method of torturing). They become able to scare their enemies and prisoners by learning the Ten Techniques Guaranteed to Terrify Your Enemies (Or Your Money Back). But we won’t tell you what those techniques are, although you can look them up on the Internet and I don’t even know why I’m telling you this! Also, “Or Your Money Back” is a lie. 4-T is free. Monetarily speaking, anyway. You do have to sell your soul to be accepted. Last but not least, your children will learn how to make delicious tortellini that they can use to lure people into traps!
Finally, you know what to do with your children when you have to head off on an evil business trip and you don’t want them unsupervised!”