“Hello, folks! Please excuse the fact that I’ve almost lost my voice from all this emcee-ing. You should have heard me after one of my favorite Hunger Games. It – shut up, Khan. Why can’t I tell this story? Oh, because you’ll put a little creature in my ear? Oh… fine. Anyway. I can’t believe that it’s already the last day of the Good-Sinful Alliance Conference 2012! I’ve had so much fun and now it’s time to close. But before we do so, we’re going to have a party!
Sometimes being evil can be lonely. A penchant for maiming people tends to scare away prospective boyfriends or girlfriends, after all. With this is mind, at the beginning of the Conference we let you all write a Lonely Hearts ad and we’ll read them now. Mingle, exchange phone numbers, dance to our theme song, get into brawls, and see if any of these ads interest you!
WANTED: A woman to keep me company during the winter. Knows a lot about horticulture. Is comfortable around dead bodies. If interested, email Hades: firstname.lastname@example.org.
WANTED: Beautiful red-haired woman with green eyes. Enjoys brewing potions. Last seen in Godric’s Hollow, Britain, nearly two decades ago. Please contact the Half-Blood Prince at Spinner’s End, Cokeworth, UK or send him an email: email@example.com
WANTED: Teenage girl well-endowed with killing skills. Brunettes preferred. Must live nearby. If interested, please contact Cato in District 2. Note: That’s Cato, you idiots. Don’t keep sending the letters to Kate O. like you have in the past. Or I’ll kill you.
WANTED: My preciousssss! It is small and round, with a lovely golden hue. Enjoys holding handses. Nasssty little Bagginses with his greedy little mittses ran away with it! We loves it, yes we does, my precioussss! If you see it, report it to us at 1-800-SMÉ-AGOL.
WANTED: Mature woman with an interest in torture. Dark hair and maniacal laugh preferred. Must be well-endowed with a nose! Those with pesky relatives need not apply, so it may be a good idea to dispose of them prior to our meeting. Must be able to hold her own in conversations about blood purity and scrawny scarred boys with glasses. If you meet these requirements, please contact the Dark Lord at the Riddle House in Little Hangleton OR Malfoy Manor in Wiltshire OR Madame Puddifoot’s Tea Shop in Hogsmeade.
WANTED: Young beauty with long golden hair. Must be proficient at chemistry. Clueless cousins, mechanical rabbits, and Jewish governesses are irritating, so destroy yours before meeting me. I will even wear ugly yellow pants backwards to attract her. She’d better be interested, so contact M. Volio at Illyria College, London, Great Britain.
WANTED: Short woman with eyes of two different colors like mine. Must be good with a gun and comfortable around mud. Enjoys flying. If you meet these criteria please contact A. Fowl at Fowl Manor, England.
Wow, I think I know some people who would fit those ads perfectly! Personally, I’m thinking of responding to the second one, because I would love to have a beautiful red-haired woman as a girlfriend – what’s that? Oh, you’re only supposed to respond if you fit the criteria? Darn it. Thanks for telling me, though. Otherwise I’d have ended up on a date with Snape. Ew, the thought of all that greasiness makes me shudder… HEY, DON’T HEX ME! I’M GONNA SHOOT YOU!
ARGH! OUCH! LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, HAVE A NICE AND EVIL NIGHT! THIS IS CLAUDIUS TEMPLESMITH AT ONLY ONE OF MANY BRAWLS AT THE GOOD-SINFUL ALLIANCE CONFERENCE 2012… OW! Hey, my microphone is still on. Do you have any idea how to shut it off? Is it that little red button? It’s not? What is it for, then? Oh, a bom-“