“Hello there, evildoers! The Joker here, standing in for our usual announcer, Claudius Templesmith. Well, actually I’m sitting down not standing, but- oh, the camera guys are telling me not to dawdle. Alright then.
As you already know, one of the missions of the GSA is to further good-evil relations. We’ve decided to have a contest that will help spread our message of cooperation. In five hundred words or less, please tell us about your friendship with a good guy (or girl). Talk about how you plotted together, recruited minions together, or have simply managed to get through a couple of days without killing each other… yet.
The first place winner will, of course, receive a prize. They will win two passes, one for them and one for the friend they wrote about, to Ye Olde Evildoers Spa. See, it’s important for evildoers to look and feel their best too. Feeling great makes it easier to take over the world. Don’t ask me how. It just does.
We thought that you might be interested in learning more about some of the treatments offered at Ye Olde Evildoers Spa so without further ado, I’ll tell you about them.
Actually, our first thought was that our president, Severus Snape, really needs to go there so he can deal with his greasiness problem, but he pushed several GSA members out a window for suggesting that. Moving on.
Almost all of the spa’s visitors decide to have their skin exfoliated. Exfoliation removes dead skin cells, thereby better showing your scheming little face. The spa’s… er… spa people – do any of your camera guys know what you call people who work at a spa? You don’t? Oh well – anyway, to exfoliate you, the spa’s spa people use whatever abrasive materials that will work. Those include, but are not limited to, rocks, sandpaper, swords, and grits. Wait, grits? I’m just reading off a piece of paper here and I don’t know if it’s right. Anyway, see how refreshed Lord Voldemort looks? Don’t you want to be as refreshed?
ACUPUNTURE!!!* This is my favorite part. You’ve probably heard of it. Pointy objects are stuck into various places of your body where you’d think they’d make you scream in pain, but it’s actually very relaxing. This way, when your minions are annoying you (yet again), you’ll feel utterly serene, or look that way at least, and your minions won’t expect a thing. They’d never guess that you’ll kill them when their backs are turned. Looking utterly serene and pain-free, of course. Ye Olde Evildoers Spa’s acupuncture specialists look exactly like Orcs because they are Orcs, but they’re not mean like most Orcs. When they shoot you several times in the chest, it’s only because they’ve discovered that the bigger, pointier, and sharper the acupuncture-stick-thingy is, the more relaxed you will feel. So they only shoot you because they care about you. See how relaxed Boromir looks? Don’t you want to feel as relaxed?
*Evildoers who would like to try acupuncture but are a bit dubious about the Orc method may choose to try the brand-new Tracker-Jacker method that will leave you positively… glimmering.
Last but not least is the typical facial mask. But this isn’t any old facial mask. It definitely isn’t the gross green kind made out of, like, avocados or whatever it they usually use. This is the Golden Face Mask, fit for a king! You’ll find it nowhere else. It usually costs a load of gold medallions, plus your life, but because you’re there as a VIP, you’ll only have to pay with your life. Wait, that can’t be right. Camera guys? Is that right? Hmmm, maybe you’re supposed to ask for your good-guy friend to get that so you won’t have to hang out together whilst somewhat-successfully resisting the urge to throttle one another anymore. Anyway, if you get this you’ll be the envy of all other evildoers with your tanned, golden skin. The facial mask is applied by pouring molten gold all over your face to make you beautiful. The mask can be removed after a short period of never ever ever because you’ll be DEAD, but who cares about death when you’re beautiful? See how handsome Viserys Targaryen looks? Don’t you want to be just as handsome?
Hurry now to send in your entry so you can visit Ye Olde Evildoers Spa with a friend, where you can look and feel just as great as I do!”