Good-Sinful Alliance: Spa Treatment For Evildoers

gsawebbadge

“Hello there, evildoers! The Joker here, standing in for our usual announcer, Claudius Templesmith. Well, actually I’m sitting down not standing, but- oh, the camera guys are telling me not to dawdle. Alright then.

As you already know, one of the missions of the GSA is to further good-evil relations. We’ve decided to have a contest that will help spread our message of cooperation. In five hundred words or less, please tell us about your friendship with a good guy (or girl). Talk about how you plotted together, recruited minions together, or have simply managed to get through a couple of days without killing each other… yet.

The first place winner will, of course, receive a prize. They will win two passes, one for them and one for the friend they wrote about, to Ye Olde Evildoers Spa. See, it’s important for evildoers to look and feel their best too. Feeling great makes it easier to take over the world. Don’t ask me how. It just does.

We thought that you might be interested in learning more about some of the treatments offered at Ye Olde Evildoers Spa so without further ado, I’ll tell you about them.

Actually, our first thought was that our president, Severus Snape, really needs to go there so he can deal with his greasiness problem, but he pushed several GSA members out a window for suggesting that. Moving on.

lord_voldemort_death_wallpaper_by_lisong24kobe-d5efll8[1]

Almost all of the spa’s visitors decide to have their skin exfoliated. Exfoliation removes dead skin cells, thereby better showing your scheming little face. The spa’s… er… spa people – do any of your camera guys know what you call people who work at a spa? You don’t? Oh well – anyway, to exfoliate you, the spa’s spa people use whatever abrasive materials that will work. Those include, but are not limited to, rocks, sandpaper, swords, and grits. Wait, grits? I’m just reading off a piece of paper here and I don’t know if it’s right. Anyway, see how refreshed Lord Voldemort looks? Don’t you want to be as refreshed?

boromir-last-stand[1]

ACUPUNTURE!!!* This is my favorite part. You’ve probably heard of it. Pointy objects are stuck into various places of your body where you’d think they’d make you scream in pain, but it’s actually very relaxing. This way, when your minions are annoying you (yet again), you’ll feel utterly serene, or look that way at least, and your minions won’t expect a thing. They’d never guess that you’ll kill them when their backs are turned. Looking utterly serene and pain-free, of course. Ye Olde Evildoers Spa’s acupuncture specialists look exactly like Orcs because they are Orcs, but they’re not mean like most Orcs. When they shoot you several times in the chest, it’s only because they’ve discovered that the bigger, pointier, and sharper the acupuncture-stick-thingy is, the more relaxed you will feel. So they only shoot you because they care about you. See how relaxed Boromir looks? Don’t you want to feel as relaxed?

*Evildoers who would like to try acupuncture but are a bit dubious about the Orc method may choose to try the brand-new Tracker-Jacker method that will leave you positively… glimmering.

Drogo-Viserys-game-of-thrones-24487869-720-479[1]

Last but not least is the typical facial mask. But this isn’t any old facial mask. It definitely isn’t the gross green kind made out of, like, avocados or whatever it they usually use. This is the Golden Face Mask, fit for a king! You’ll find it nowhere else. It usually costs a load of gold medallions, plus your life, but because you’re there as a VIP, you’ll only have to pay with your life. Wait, that can’t be right. Camera guys? Is that right? Hmmm, maybe you’re supposed to ask for your good-guy friend to get that so you won’t have to hang out together whilst somewhat-successfully resisting the urge to throttle one another anymore. Anyway, if you get this you’ll be the envy of all other evildoers with your tanned, golden skin. The facial mask is applied by pouring molten gold all over your face to make you beautiful. The mask can be removed after a short period of never ever ever because you’ll be DEAD, but who cares about death when you’re beautiful? See how handsome Viserys Targaryen looks? Don’t you want to be just as handsome?

Hurry now to send in your entry so you can visit Ye Olde Evildoers Spa with a friend, where you can look and feel just as great as I do!”

Advertisements

About nevillegirl

Elizabeth. University of Iowa class of 2019. Triple majoring in English & Creative Writing, Journalism, and Gender, Women's, & Sexuality Studies. Twenty-one-year-old daydreamer, introvert, voracious reader, aspiring writer, and lesbian. Passionate about feminism, mental health, comic books, and cats.
This entry was posted in Books and Reading!, Harry Potter, Nevillegirl's Adventures!, Non-Neville Posts, Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

16 Responses to Good-Sinful Alliance: Spa Treatment For Evildoers

  1. orphu44 says:

    Oh my Gollum. This is amazing. I need to tell some of my more masochistic villain-friends about this contest. I had to stop myself laughing aloud at the exfoliation.

  2. Charley R says:

    *keels over in absolute fits of laughter and tears*

    Oh my dear friend, this is marvellous! I only wish I hadn’t turned my most recent “good” friend into a sock yesterday – he really WAS getting too hoity-toity about that last stolen priceless relic. Or maybe it was the plague. Yeah, I think it was the plague.

    We did have quite a good time, though! Well, we went out and hunted things a lot. Namely unsatisfactory minions, but I didn’t tell him that. He had a pretty cool battlecry. And I let him use my favourite axe. Once. Before he tried to chop my head off with it.

    Just one question . . . if I put myself in for this treatment (I’ll find a backup “good” friend to come with me), can I just sit and watch while THEY have the treatments? Because I have very sensitive skin and cannot afford the risk of cosmetic treatments that might agitate it. Though I might have a go at the accupuncture – it looks quite relaxing.

    Although . . . who did Boromir get in with? Was Sauron coming in for his monthly massage again?

    • nevillegirl says:

      *keels over due to the treatments*

      I love minion hunting! They’re in season now, aren’t they?

      Oh, I suppose. You are an evil overlady after all, so I guess I should let you have what you what before you, like, impale me on something.

      Sauron doesn’t get massages. When he goes to the spa they put cucumbers over his eye to make it less bloodshot. Doesn’t seem to work, though. Boromir took Faramir, of course. (I’m counting Boromir as evil because he’s not quite good and not quite evil. I was going to do Denethor but I just did that poster with him.)

      • Charley R says:

        *cackles* Wise move, my little friend. I don’t know why everyone thinks Boromir’s evil, though. He fell to the Ring, yes, but even Gandalf and Galadriel were sorely tempted by it.

        I think it’s because he’s more open and determined by his need to protect his people, and the Ring preyed on that. The others didn’t have such ostensible motives, and they kept their emotions pretty well in check, while Boromir was more than happy to loose his hissy fits. They might have been aware of the Ring’s power and done that deliberately, so it couldn’te tempt them so easily. Evidently Boromir didn’t get the memo.

        • nevillegirl says:

          Don’t call me little again, or I’ll turn you into a sock. *growls*

          I don’t think he’s evil. (I just stuck him in here because the picture was funny and I was originally going to have something from Narnia but I couldn’t remember what it was supposed to be.) I think he’s a complex character, which in my book is MUCH better than being completely good.

          Yes to all the stuff you wrote, and I’d add: 1) He was under a lot of pressure from Daddy to bring him back the Ring because he was the perfect son and 2) if he did bring the Ring back, it’d be in Minas Tirith, really close to Mordor and Sauron. The Ring isn’t stupid.

  3. Artgirl says:

    Question: are you actually accepting submissions?

  4. Question: are you serious about the contest? Because that was a horrible way to introduce it and keep people’s minds on the topic.

  5. Well now I want to enter! Although I’m technically not evil . . . hmm . . . maybe I should fix that.

    Can the evil spa stuff help Voldemort with his no-nose problem? Maybe they can just . . . poof it out or something? You should really get someone who can do that.

    (Also, you forgot a “c” in acupuncture. Right there in between the “n” and the “t”. Just thought I’d mention that. Did Ron screw up again)? πŸ˜‰

    Seeing as my dad is an acupuncturist, I would not recommend using that–er–particular method. XD Something less big, pointy, and deadly would work just as well. Though it’s not as much fun. πŸ˜‰

  6. Pingback: Mr. Men Purple Hat (And Other Search Terms) | Musings From Neville's Navel

  7. Pingback: Good-Sinful Alliance: 2014 Conference – Here Be Dragons | Musings From Neville's Navel

What do you think? Share the musings from your navel!

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s