A guy in a sparkly blue suit sits on a stage, flanked by two other men who do not appear to be familiar with the words “personal” and “hygiene”. The blue guy flashes a winning smile at the audience.
Caesar Flickerman: Hello, hello, ladies, gentlemen, and evil overlords everywhere! You’re watching the first broadcast of GSA-TV, or Good-Sinful Alliance Television. Today it’s my pleasure to interview two amazing gentlemen. Here on my left is Peter Pettigrew, better known as Wormtail.
Wormtail: [Makes slight squeaking noise like a mouse] Hello.
Caesar: Wormtail is one of Volde-
Wormtail: DO NOT SAY THE DARK LORD’S NAME!
Caesar: -the Dark Lord’s many minions. Wormtail received his education at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry and has a special affinity for rats. In his spare time he enjoys betraying his friends and cutting off his hand. Anything to please his master! To my left is Gríma, better known as the Wormtongue.
Wormtongue: [Friendly wave] Hey.
Caesar: Wormtongue serves Saruman the White, while pretending to be loyal to King Théoden of Rohan. He divides his time between Orthanc (the Really Big Tower) and Edoras (Home of the Horse Dudes). His hobbies include trying to see how old he can make Théoden and accidentally throwing away Saruman’s prized possessions.
Wormtongue: How was I supposed to know the palantír was a magical artifact? I thought it was a bowling ball!
Caesar: [Appears exasperated] Anyway, they are here to promote their new book, The Minion’s Guide to Minioning, and discuss what life as spineless yes-men to evil overlords is like. Wormtail, how did you get the idea to write this book?
Wormtail: Actually, it wasn’t mine. The Dark Lord suggested it. He said I was too stupid to ever think of it, but that it needed to be written to stop other stupid minions from messing up their master’s plans. He’s still never forgiven me for bringing him back from the dead but without any hair, for example. I forgot to dump that hair-growth potion in the cauldron…
Wormtongue: What does having more hair have to do with being an evil overlord?
Caesar: Yes, good question.
Wormtail: He thought it might make people like him more. I think it thought it would make women swoon. Perhaps even a few men.
Caesar: Ah… OK. Second question – what was collaborating on The Minion’s Guide to Minioning like, because-
Wormtongue: It was awful and I had to do all the work because Wormtail’s stupid and kept disappearing to go free rats from traps just as we needed to do more proofreading.
Caesar: -because, as I understand it, you two do not like each other.
Wormtail: We just answered that. Hey – don’t call me stupid! [Sends a curse at Wormtongue but misses]
Caesar: KNOCK IT OFF, YOU TWO! The third question was submitted by an anonymous figure who is thinking of minioning as a career. He/she/it would like to know what some important tasks of a minion are. How do you assist your masters?
Wormtail: Me first! I do things like going to the grocery store to buy more Snake Feed for Nagini, cleaning the fungi off the Dark Lord so he doesn’t become Moldemort, and mistreating the prisoners in the basement.
Wormtongue: I have a whole bunch of jobs. I have to polish the steps of Orthanc – but not wax them, because I did that once and Saruman slid like fifty feet. I thought it was totally awesome, but he didn’t think so. I also do his laundry because he insists on wearing white robes but doesn’t know how to sort clothes. Oh yes, and I put the Uruk-hai to bed. Saruman thinks they’re gross so he makes me read bedtime stories to them and whatnot.
Caesar: Alright, final question – what has been your favorite experience as a minion?
Wormtail: I slept in Ron Weasley’s bed. For three years. He never even guessed I was there.
Caesar: …that’s really creepy, Wormtail.
Wormtongue: Yeah, man.
Caesar: And you, Wormtongue?
Caesar: I notice that neither of you mentioned anything that might actually, you know, help your masters. You certainly are spineless yes-men, aren’t you?
Caesar: Well, I seem to have run out of questions before the time limit was up and we still have five minutes left. Want do you want to do?
Wormtail: Want to see a neat trick?
Wormtail: [Turns himself into a rat, then runs over and bites Wormtongue]
Wormtongue: Aiiiiieeee! [Picks Wormtail up by the tail and flings him against the wall] Out, out, damn rat!
Caesar: STOP! [Breaks down crying] If I’d known what this job entailed I would have never tried out for it… [Sniffles] Ladies, gentlemen, and evil overlords everywhere, this is Caesar Flickerman for GSA-TV, bringing you the very best in evil programming. WHAT THE [Drowned out by the sound of Wormtongue and Wormtail screaming at each other] ARE YOU DOING?!
All of a sudden there is no television reception.
Note: All the copies of The Minion’s Guide to Minioning by P. Pettigrew and G. Wormtongue were warehoused in the library of Minas Tirith while they awaited distribution.There was a freak accident and charges of arson have been pressed against Denethor.
As such, no copies remain available for purchase.
Too bad for you.
Although it’s possible that The Minion’s Guide to Minioning will come out in paperback late next year, so stay tuned!