“Hello, ladies, gentlemen, and mockingjays! I’m nevillegirl from District 7, known for its… logging. But we won’t talk about that, because it’s boring. I’ve been Reaped into the coming Games and what I really want to talk about is why you should sponsor me. I have loads of skills that shouldn’t go to waste and I promise that if you let me win, I’ll give you the most amusing Hunger Games ever.
Just call me the next Katniss Everdeen. As long as the target is approximately five feet away, I can hit it dead-on.
I am absolutely deadly here. I’m so hardcore I once threw a spoon at someone and cut them. True story.
Able to jog faster than a charging rhinoceros! Able to leap flaming fireballs in a single bound! It’s the one and only… nevillegirl! I’m rather proud of my sprinting ability. If we actually have energy in District 7 because we’re not starving at the moment, sometimes we play softball and I love running the bases. I’m terrible at maintaining such a high speed over longer distances (which explains why this weekend I ran a 5K and my time was 38:00) but I do keep on going. I just imagine a chocolate donut hovering in front of me just out of reach, and I speed up to get it.
I don’t sink, at least. Unfortunately, I’m not very good at ducking underwater and holding my breath, which causes me to pop up for air every few seconds. But this is actually a good thing. The sight of me bobbing up and down in a creek, splashing about and gulping down air while my fellow tributes try to kill me is sure to make you split your sides laughing.
Ability to Handle Weapons Other Than Knives And Bows
I’m rather handy with a muzzleloader, if for some reason there are weapons from the eighteenth century. Unfortunately, they must be reloaded after each firing and that takes about ninety seconds, so better hope that I’m not killed in the process.
Here’s an idea: ask the Gamemakers to not put poisonous plants in the arena. Also suggest that they invent a tree that produces a variety of sandwiches, because I can handle that type of foraging. P.S. I don’t like peanut butter and jelly.
District 7 is known for its logging but I’m clearly too good to have to work in the woods, so over the years I’ve built up huge muscles with other activities. I frequently lift large stacks of notebooks, my Lord of the Rings boxed set, and my cat, Mr. Whiskers (also known affectionately as “Fattypants”).
This has been honed by many years of trying to sneak more than ten novels past the librarians. Stupid book limits.
And so concludes what will probably go down in the history of Panem as the stupidest speech ever. Please sponsor me in the upcoming Hunger Games, and may the odds be ever in my favor!”