“Is It Nice, My Precious? Is It Juicy? Is It Scrumptiously Crunchable?”

photoI think this would make a lovely birthday cake, precious!

We don’t remember when our birthday is any longer! Gollum, gollum!

[Puts hands over ears] Not listening! I would invite all my friends over for a party!

You don’t have friends. Nobody likes you.

Shut up! To make this cake…

…we kill the fat hobbit! Gollum, gollum!

No. Bake a cake, any flavor you want, and lick the batter off the spoonses when you’re done because it tastes more delicious than fishses!

We can’t eat hobbit food. We shall staaaaaaarve! [Flops over dramatically]

Isn’t hobbit food, precious! Put half in a round layer cake pan and the other in a glass bowl so it’s as round as a juicy Orc!

[Eagerly] May we steal them from the fat hobbit who cooks, precious?

No! Stack the round cake on top of the layer cake and cover them with a sickly, disgusting yellow-brown color of frosting.

We aren’t disgusting and sickly colorses, precious! We aren’t!

[Makes W with fingers] Whatever. Thin black licorice stringses make good hair and eyebrows. I won’t even need much licorice, because I don’t have much hair. Poor Sméagol…

[Feels head sadly] How true, precious.

Gummy candy makes tasty eyeses and lipses, and chocolate chipses make good pupils and teeth! All done!

…that does sound scrumptious. It could serve six to eight fat hobbitses, but it’s all for us! No sharing, not even with Master!

Master is kind! We swore on the Precious to help him!

You did. We didn’t. Gollum, gollum! [Snatches cake and gleefully scampers off]

[Cries and picks at a raw, dead fish] No nice crunchable cake for poor Sméagol…

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About nevillegirl

Elizabeth, University of Iowa class of 2019. Double majoring in English & Creative Writing and Journalism. Twenty-year-old daydreamer, introvert, voracious reader, and aspiring writer. Passionate about feminism and lesbian positivity.
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