Across the world, in fantastical lands, and in galaxies far, far away, the image of a hook-nosed man with long, greasy black hair appears in the air before thousands of evildoers. The man appears slightly miserable, possibly due to the red and green party hat that someone jammed upon his head so he’d look “festive.” He glances at a piece of parchment floating in front of him, evidently the Wizarding world’s answer to the teleprompter, and sneers once before launching into his announcement.
“Hello, Severus Snape here. Your Good-Sinful Alliance president. I hope this holiday season finds all the members of the GSA in good health. Actually, I don’t wish that because it would be out of character, but it’s what I’m supposed to say. This Official Presidential Business is ever so irritating.
Anyway… I am here tonight to deliver several messages to you fools. At least you aren’t the bunch of dunderheads I usually have to teach – they can’t even figure out how to turn to page 394. So listen up.
This time last year we held the first Good-Sinful Alliance Conference. Obviously, we’re not having it at the same time this year. Our latest evil plot – which involved (among other things) a lion, a tiger, a bear, and quite a lot of Jell-O – unfortunately drained our bank account. Our Gringotts vault does not contain enough money to cover the cost of another Conference at the present time.
Since membership dues must be paid by New Year’s Eve, I have decided to hold the Conference when we have more money. Instead of taking place the first full week of December, it will become a winter event.
Not only does this make more sense financially, it also frees time in which villains can fine-tune their plans to take over the world at Christmas. I know this will be particularly appreciated by the Cybermen, Weeping Angels, and… something else, I can’t remember…. goodness gracious… anyway. At the moment, they are working around the clock to make sure their plot to kill the Doctor (and his sniveling little accomplice, one ‘impossible girl’) will run smoothly.
Thanks, guys. You set a lovely example of the hard work and dedication that marks a true villain and sets him apart from a mere minion.
Now where was I?
Oh, yes. The Conference! We – meaning I, after I’ve successfully Confunded everyone else in the room – have not yet settled on a date for the event, but we have already booked several prominent villains to speak.
These include Gru, who will inform us on the importance of acquiring minions, and Darth Sidious, who shall talk about the latest in menacing cloak fashion. Coriolanus Snow will stop by to give an update on the bombing of the Districts. And all the way from Westeros, a delegation of Lannisters will discuss how to have one big happy evil family. The family that schemes together, stays together. Or something like that.
I am certainly looking forward to the Good-Sinful Alliance Conference, and I hope you will consider attending. Considering whether or not to pay your membership dues is not an option, however – I will personally send Howlers to each and every one of you who does not send in their money either by mail or by minion.
With that, I conclude this announcement. Merry Christmas to all, and to all an evil night.”