Good-Sinful Alliance: Happy Presidents’ Day!

On the television screen, a stately-looking old man stands at a podium holding some notecards. A white rose is tucked into his lapel. Obviously a villain of note, he clears his throat authoritatively and begins to speak.

“Good evening. I’m President Coriolanus Snow, leader of the great nation of Panem. Tonight, my message concerns neither evildoers nor even the most faithful of their minions, but the citizens of lands conquered by such dastardly – and incidentally, such laudable – devils.

Something is rotten in the state of villainy. I speak, of course, of the insidious disrespect and feeling of malcontent found throughout the general populace. Our subjects are no longer satisfied with oppression. They protest, rebel, and frequently argue in favor of this thing known as a ‘democracy.’ Too many of them have grown contemptuous of us!

I ask you, what shall be done about this? Will evildoers settle for such insolence? And I say no! No! We will not! What happened to the glorious old days when villains were not afraid to rule with an iron fist (and quite a lot of explosions and maiming)? Where have the times gone when baddies tolerated neither mockery nor dissatisfied muttering?

The answer, my friends, is that it matters not where such days have gone – not if we can bring them back!

We can start by encouraging – no, by forcing – the celebration of holidays that honor villains great and small. In my homeland of Panem, we call this President’s Day. In your own realms, it may be more appropriate to call such an event Dictator’s Day, Queen Regent’s Day, or Supremely Sexy Scoundrel’s Day. The name is not the point. Acknowledgement of villains and their utterly awful deeds is the point.

Of course the populace will object to such recognition. But we must not let that stop us. Use all means necessary to quell their complaints. Why have bombs, propaganda, and mutant killer dogs if you don’t use them? Furthermore, such acts will go down in the history books as yet more evil deeds accomplished.

So proceed at full throttle with the festivities! Throw parties, march in parades, and don’t forget to raze a couple of villages if your subjects will not accept your rule and this new decree of Forced Villain Appreciation. Remember, when -”

Suddenly, the signal of Snow’s channel cuts out and the President’s face is replaced by that of a startlingly handsome young dude. He beams flirtatiously, winks one amazingly green eye, and launches into a rant.

“Don’t believe him! Don’t listen to this man, whether you’re a villain or a minion or some hapless schmuck who somehow stumbled upon this top-secret channel! Actually, if you are the last one, give us a call at 1-800-KAT-NISS because the rebellion could really, really use some help with hacking for the propos.

Anyway. This guy, President Snow, is completely bonkers and if you ever looked up to him, even for one second, you can kiss that goodbye. Because, oh god, have I got a scandalous story to tell you. The Great Snow Fall, that’s what Beetee named it! It’s hilarious. So one day old Coriolanus got a mockingjay, two loaves of bread, and some frosting and he -”

Abruptly, a rather flustered President returns to the screen. One can almost feel the disappointment radiating towards his visage, for even the most hardened criminals and cronies found Finnick Odair more entertaining.

“How dare he! You there – technician! Why was our channel hacked once again by the Mockingjay and her pathetic band of tributes? You told me that was not possible! No, don’t bother telling me – it was a rhetorical question. You’ll have your tongue cut out for this anyway.

Where was I? Oh, yes. President’s Day, and why your citizens should obey you. As I was going to say on the subject of, well, subjects: remember, when you have the forces of evil on your side, the odds are never in their favor.

And with that, I conclude my message. Goodnight. Happy evildoing.”