Good-Sinful Alliance: 2014 Conference – Begin Your Villainous Career Here

gsawebbadgeBefore a crowd of cheering evildoers, a man with long, greasy black hair strides onto the stage. He looks rather like an overgrown bat. He pulls out a wand with a flourish and, muttering “Sonorus,” points it at his throat. The man begins to speak, his voice magically amplified.

“Hello. My name is Severus Snape and I am the Good-Sinful Alliance’s president, a position I have held ever since I Stunned Loki when he attempted to grab the job for himself.

You are gathered here today and for the duration of this week to accomplish two things. The first is networking. With over eight thousand villains representing more than six hundred worlds, there is no shortage of people to meet and greet. Talk amongst yourselves, developing dastardly plans together or simply comparing various ways to do in your nemesis.

The second objective of this winter conference is education. Over the next few days, a variety of speeches and hands-on sessions will be available in order to further your villainous education, in order to open your mind to all the latest developments in evildom. These include discussions of dragons, wooing other villains, and how to master evil.

Today, our subject is evil employment. It has come to the attention of the Good-Sinful Alliance that too many would-be villains graduate and become adults only to find that opportunities for employment are few and far between. It’s all just a matter of knowing where to look and who to ask, of course, but often this knowledge is not acquired until you’ve held a career in evil for many years, when you’ve made friends who would help you and/or forced the information out of someone.

Today, we would like to help these young people by showcasing some entry-level villainous jobs. Everyone has to start somewhere – although you may not start at the top, eventually you can work your way up the metaphorical ladder of minions, henchmen, and so forth to become truly terrifying.


Death Eater

Requirements: Must have attended Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry or an equivalent higher-education institution and demonstrate a basic knowledge of curses. Applicants must also own a variety of black clothes including, but not limited to, black dress robes, black Converse, and black ski masks. This aids in the color-coordination of the organization – no one wants to be that dweeb in orange and pink.

Job location: The Dark Lord stations his most faithful servants in locations as varied as London, Edinburgh, Little Hangleton, and Buenos Aires. Headquarters currently may be found at Malfoy Manor, however.

Job description: Beginning Death Eaters (often referred to as “Baby Death Eatlings”) are assigned tasks such as taking He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named’s robes to the dry cleaners, buying snake treats for Nagini, and leaping out from behind trees to scare Muggle passersby on Halloween.

Pay / benefits: One hundred Galleons a year. Eighty of these must be donated to the Dark Lord’s Nose Reconstruction Surgery Fund. Of the remaining Galleons, fifteen go towards paying for room and board and five towards paying for your new tattoo, the Dark Mark itself.

Please contact: Lucius Malfoy, Director of Death Eating

Lannister bard

Requirements: Must play an instrument (accordion and xylophone not accepted) and know “The Rains of Castamere” by heart. Musicians from sworn Houses Clegane, Swyft, and Westerling preferred.

Job location: Bards spend most of their time at Casterly Rock, King’s Landing, and Lannisport, but they might travel throughout the Seven Kingdoms and are often dispatched to play at weddings.

Job description: Entertain House Lannister, and look vaguely sinister whilst doing so.

Pay / benefits: A Lannister always pays his debts and thus bards are rewarded in gold, wine, and a heck of a lot of clothes emblazoned with lions on them.

Please contact: Lord Tyrion Lannister

Soldier in Saruman’s army

Requirements: Bloodlust. Orcs and Uruk-hai are preferred.

Job location: Soldiers may be stationed in one of three locations: Mordor, Isengard, or Amon Hen. If joining the forces in Mordor, please fly, ride, or run in instead of walking.

Job description: Rip. Tear. Kill.

Pay / benefits: All the weapons one could ever want.

Please contact: Gríma Wormtongue

Darth Vader’s personal stylist

Requirements: Must be reasonably skilled at color-coordination (black always goes with black), shoe shopping, and working with hair extensions.

Job location: The Death Star, and wherever Darth may travel thereafter.

Job description: The one holding the coveted position of personal stylist gets to iron Vader’s cape, polish his helmet, and ensure that all the button-thingies on his chest plate are in working order.

Pay / benefits: Darth Vader’s lackeys do not get paid! It is considered a privilege to serve a Sith Lord.

Please contact: The Death Star’s Office of Employment and Minion Services

I hope this short speech was enough to encourage young villains everywhere to keep pursuing their passion. There is absolutely no need to turn towards the side of goodness and light – not when you’re a talented would-be evildoer with motivation. Thank you for listening.”

About nevillegirl

Elizabeth. University of Iowa class of 2019. Triple majoring in English & Creative Writing, Journalism, and Gender, Women's, & Sexuality Studies. Twenty-one-year-old daydreamer, introvert, voracious reader, aspiring writer, and lesbian. Passionate about feminism, mental health, comic books, and cats.
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11 Responses to Good-Sinful Alliance: 2014 Conference – Begin Your Villainous Career Here

  1. Miriam Joy says:

    I’d be a great Lannister bard. First thing I picked out on my harp when I got it was Rains of Castamere, ‘cos it’s in an easy key to play.

  2. matttblack42 says:

    I play the piano, (though I’ve been slacking lately, sad too say) so I suppose I could make a good Lannister Bard. Unfortunately I can’t find a way to contact Lord Tyrion; I didn’t see him once in a Feast for Crows, and not just because he’s short.

    • nevillegirl says:

      So do I! We can team up and play strange things on the piano. I have the sheet music for the GoT main theme, although I have yet to learn it… in the meantime, I can play “This is Gallifrey” for Cersei and Joffrey. 😀

      Ah. Hmmm. You can send it care of Jaime or Shae, if need be.

      • matttblack42 says:

        We could always pay the GOT theme a cappella style, in case there’s no piano nearby. (Do pianos even exist in Westeros?)

        I have an I Am The Doctor music sheet, but haven’t mastered it either. I really want to learn “Time,” from Inception.

    • nevillegirl says:

      I don’t think pianos exist there, no. :/

      Ooh, me too! “I Am The Doctor” is really difficult to learn, though. >.> At least for me.

  3. orphu44 says:

    Ooh, a selection of villainous jobs … looks like my future’s taken care of now. See you all in Westeros! (Well, probably not Westeros, since I’ve only got about an octave’s range and couldn’t play The Rains of Castamere anyway. I’d probably end up at Malfoy Manor or somesuch.)
    (Also, did the Saruman’s Army job description intentionally quote the Basilisk in Chamber of Secrets, or did it just happen that way?)

    • nevillegirl says:

      Care to apply to any of them, milady? I’ll ensure that you don’t end up taking Lord Voldy’s robes to the dry cleaners or some other similarly boring job.

      (Yes, that was intentional. 🙂 I put lots of weird little references to other fandoms throughout these posts. Like the one about the cold never bothering us anyway…)

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