“Good evening, ladies, gentlemen, and assorted minions! Good evening, evildoers! I’m Caesar Flickerman. I took a short break from emceeing for the Good-Sinful Alliance to host the Third Quarter Quell, but never fear – I am back! And it looks like I’ll be back here for a long time, if Katniss Everdeen’s recent escape from the arena and the resulting rebellion are anything to go by.
Oops, it looks like President Snow is mad at me now. Sorry, sir.
Anyway, I was about to say that today it is my pleasure and honor to announce our next speaker! Coriolanus Snow is the President of my own country, Panem, and you’re probably familiar with him from his past speech about creating villainous holidays.
Today, Snow would like to discuss this season. Over to you, Mr. President.”
“Thank you, Caesar. As he was saying, today I would like to speak to members of the Good-Sinful Alliance about this season. Winter.
Winter is, unfortunately, regarded by many villains as a useless time, a time when little can be done to cause havoc and destroy all that is good.
‘It’s too cold!’ they cry.
‘How am I supposed to get any work done in this much snow?’ is the complaint of some.
‘Half my minions have frozen solid and the other half are sick in bed with the flu!’ say others.
But fear not, brave villains – winter need not be a waste of time, a season for muttering disparagingly about good whilst not doing anything to eradicate it! First, you must find a solution to that horrid weather, something that allows you to go about your daily evil plans without leaping back under that blanket. I recommend warm cloaks, woolen scarves, and fuzzy mittens. I hear that Loki does a brisk business selling these at the conference. My my, that boy certainly gets around, doesn’t he? First that dance party the other day and then mittens.
Anyway. As I was saying: first you must equip yourself properly. I know that mittens and scarves don’t seem, well, evil, but trust me – it’s much better than shivering so hard you can barely point your wand to aim a Killing Curse at your worst enemy.
Once you and your minions are suitably dressed for the weather, it’s time to begin doing evil! Winter is a perfect time to cause chaos and exterminate your enemies.
The good guys, you see, generally use this time to celebrate. With one foolish holiday after the next – Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, New Year’s Eve, Saturnalia – the good guys are generally preoccupied by silly thoughts of feasts, presents, seeing friends and family, et cetera. Use this perfect distraction to your advantage! Attack when your enemies are least prepared!
Many strategies are possible. Make a giant snowball and roll it downhill towards the good guys’ encampment, where it will obliterate everything in its path. Stab your enemy with an icicle – it is the perfect instrument of murder because it will melt and never be found. Or, if you can use magic, create a monstrous storm that will leave your enemies snowed in for weeks, gradually starving them to death.
The possibilities are endless, my dear co-villains. Let it snow!
So don’t fret. Many things can be accomplished in winter! Use this season for plots of indescribable evil. I would love to see all villains work hard this winter and those thereafter, so that each and every one of us can truthfully say: the cold never bothered me anyway.”