Good-Sinful Alliance: 2014 Conference – Mastering Evil

gsawebbadgeA camera swoops down a hallway, showing the enormous line of villains located just outside a set of double doors. The view expands outwards to reveal evildoers crowding into a vast auditorium where a man with short, light brown hair walks on a stage at the front.

“Hello, villains!” he shouts. “Listen, you lot, you’re all whizzing about. It’s really very distracting. Could you all just stay still a minute because I. AM. TALKING!”

The audience falls silent.

“Hello! My name is Harold Saxon and it’s such an honor to give the closing speech of the Good-Sinful Alliance’s 2014 conference to you today.

Since we’re now wrapping up this festival of maldoing, I thought it was logical to use this time to give an overview of villainy. We all know what villainy is, of course – bad deeds – but do we all know how to accomplish them? Following is some general advice to help any villain maximize their evil potential.

-~-

master_name_sayUse a sinister-sounding name.

If you don’t already have one, make one up. Either way, it is of utmost necessity to acquire an evil name before you begin your career of villainy for if you do not, no one will take you seriously.

Some of the best sinister names are either vaguely French – Voldemort, Lestrange, Malfoy – or involve putting ‘the’ in front of a term that means ‘someone who performs a certain action’ – for example, the Joker. Or my own name, the Master.

Some utterly non-evil-sounding names to avoid include Myrtle, Fritz, and Ralph.

master_minionsAcquire minions.

Go to any means necessary to collect some – try brainwashing or coercion. The more vile your method, the better! Train them well, molding them literally in your own image (as did I) if you so desire. What is a villain without some sniveling lackeys and a couple of yes-men?

master_drumsChoose a theme song.

All the best, most cultured villains have them. My pal Darth Vader uses this thing called the Imperial March, and I’ve heard the Lannisters have some pretty awesome tunes themselves.

And what is my song, you ask? Why… can’t you hear them?

2lb2uzbLaugh evilly.

This A) intimidates the good guys and B) convinces them that you are one hundred percent bonkers. I recommend practicing at least twice daily for maximum effect. Concentrate on the hilarious memory of embarrassing your enemy or, alternatively, think of a really good knock-knock joke. Either works.

tumblr_m6xvjblbbY1r14991Practice your villainous faces.

Such expressions will help everyone – from other villains and your minions to the good guys that you terrorize – to differentiate between moods like ‘slightly irritated and itching to punt a few henchmen’ to ‘beyond furious and ready to smite the world.’ Also, I’ve discovered that an innocent face often aids in a rise to power – no one suspected me of being a rogue Time Lord.

1537aiwWear clothing suitable for evildoing.

In the olden days this typically meant long black cloaks with sinister-looking hoods, but those have since gone out of fashion for two reasons. First, it is super easy to trip on the hem of your cloak, thus tripping yourself and making all your minions giggle. Secondly, they can only be dry-cleaned and it’s not worth it to run up a huge bill just to take care of your clothes.

For modern-day, forward-thinking villains, I recommend black hoodies. You’ll still look intimidating, but now with an addition of snuggly comfort.

master_foodRemember to do even the most mundane of tasks.

It is lamentable that I even have to mention this but sadly, some villains forget. They drive themselves to accomplish every evil task ever known, and they run themselves ragged. Take time to eat, sleep, take a bath, et cetera. No one likes a hungry, groggy, foul-smelling villain.

158a7ewLearn to say no.

Evil friends help each other out, it’s true, but don’t let that fool you into thinking you are always at another villain’s beck and call. Maybe you have your own projects to work on, or are enjoying a well-earned vacation. Either way, it isn’t necessary to join every dastardly plan of achieving world domination. It’s OK to say no.

2628x12Don’t take yourself too seriously.

This is somewhat related to my point about remembering to do mundane tasks: being a villain is not the only thing you do, so be sure you take time to relax. It’s perfectly normal to kick back every so often and goof off. So go ahead and have fun.

master_secrecyKeep secrets well.

This isn’t as obvious as it sounds, if the number of failed villains is anything to go by. I’ll put it quite clearly: Don’t. Blabber. Your. Plans. To. Everybody! In fact, tell as few people as possible about your secrets and make sure that no one knows the entirety of your plans. (This is easy to accomplish by assigning each minion only a tiny part of a big project so that no one knows exactly how their part of the plan fits into the overall project.)

master_ten_cuddle Know your enemies intimately.

Interpret this advice any way you wish, really. Every villain needs a nemesis – some guy who supports the side of good so strongly that it’s positively insufferable – but you may have whatever kind of relationship you choose with said nemesis. Invite them over for dinner, if you’d like (although they may be the dinner). Or cuddle them. Alternatively, you could also try blasting them into smithereens.

thumbs_up_the_master_doctor_whoIn general, always be prepared.

Everything I’ve said boils down to this. Villains will deal with many trials and tribulations (most of them brought upon themselves) and it is necessarily to be properly equipped. So be prepared for a lifelong career of villainy. Acquire the minions, the evil laugh, the sinister clothes, the enemies, et cetera. The whole package.

-~-

Following this advice should prove to better any villain. After all, the only time villains want to be good at anything is when they’re good at being evil, right? Right. I hope that during this year, each and every one of you grow in your evilness and frequently make those around you say:

master_menaceAnd on that note, the Good-Sinful Alliance’s 2014 conference draws to a close. So long, and thanks for all the evil!”

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About nevillegirl

Elizabeth, University of Iowa class of 2019. Double majoring in English & Creative Writing and Journalism. Twenty-year-old daydreamer, introvert, voracious reader, and aspiring writer. Passionate about feminism and lesbian positivity.
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27 Responses to Good-Sinful Alliance: 2014 Conference – Mastering Evil

  1. This post, I like it! Another!
    No but seriously, I like the Master theme. And the gifs are completely appropriate.

    (off-topic but, I posted my coming-out thing on my blog. You might want to check it out. The tags, especially.)

    • nevillegirl says:

      I don’t know what you’re quoting from and that drives me batty. xD It’s either Doctor Who, or possibly Thor, or something else.

      Thanks! This was my favorite GSA post to write – and not just for the conference, but all-time, methinks.

      I saw! I hope everything goes well for you. 😀

    • nevillegirl says:

      You should. It’s kind of dorky, but LOKI and THOR IS LIKE AN ADORABLE TEDDY BEAR VERSION OF A NORSE GOD and SIF IS ONLY IN IT A LITTLE BIT BUT SHE’S GORGEOUS and THE MUSIC IS REALLY GOOD.

      • I’ve seen all but the first 5 minutes, but I totally see what you mean. LOKI IS AWESOME AND AWWW and THOR AND JANE ARE SO CUTE ADKFADSGSK and SIF IS HOT AND MY FAVORITE ASGARDIAN LADY and THE MUSIC IS TERRIFIC OMG.

        Have you seen Thor 2?

    • nevillegirl says:

      Loki is one of my favorite villains. I need to give him his own GSA post – currently he’s only modeled a cape for the fashion show and… I think I mentioned him throwing a party? xD But he needs his own glorious post.

      THOR AND JANE ARE SO CUTE TOGETHER. AND JANE IS AWESOME PHYSICS-Y SCIENCE-Y LADY.

      I haven’t seen Thor 2 yet, but I want to because A) Loki and B) THE MUSIC. It’s pretty all on its own but scores are always better when combined with awesome/emotional scenes from the movie.

      *flails* YES SIF IS HOT SORRY I’M JUST REPEATING WHAT YOU SAID BUT SHE’S AN AWESOME CUTE KICK-BUTT WARRIOR LADY AND I COULD STARE AT HER FACE ALL DAY.

      Have you seen it yet?

      • Loki ranks at the top of my favorite villain list as well, with Moriarty a close second. Did you see that post I reblogged a while ago about this analysis of Loki’s costume? (http://miriamjoywrites.wordpress.com/2013/11/14/loki-gender-and-costume-design-in-thor-the-dark-world/) If I’m not mistaken, you know the writer of that post. It’s an interesting read.
        Also, there’s this really good in-depth series of posts analyzing the costuming choices in the Avengers film. It’s awesome. I think you’d like it. (http://hellotailor.blogspot.co.uk/2012/05/costumes-and-characters-of-avengers.html)

        DUDE YES THOR/JANE IS THE FLUFFIEST COUPLE EVER AND JANE IS SO COOL AND SCIENCE-Y AND AWESOME

        How do you feel about Darcy?

        NO YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND I HAVE THIS LONG-STANDING CRUSH ON SIF THAT STARTED LIKE AGES AGO AND I TOTALLY AGREE SHE’S AWESOME AND ADORABLE AND YES

        Yes, I saw it and oh lord, Loki. And the music was so epic and the plot was great and all the one-liners Whedon slipped in are hilarious and Jane/Thor was adorable as usual and you need to go see it so I can discuss it with you!

    • nevillegirl says:

      Yep, I did! 🙂 Miriam writes lovely posts and I approve of that post’s nerdiness.
      Ooh, thanks for the link! I love that sort of thing. I love looking at design stuff in movies – like in Catching Fire you can see how Effie starts to dress less wildly ’cause she’s distancing herself from the Capitol.

      I think… Darcy is me. xD Out of all the characters in the Marvel Universe, I am probably her.

      SUPERMEGAFOXYAWESOMEHOT SIF PICTURES: http://comicbookmovie.com/images/users/uploads/27306/SIF_alexander_051211.jpg

      OK, I’ll see it if/when it gets uploaded to Netflix. 🙂

      • Yeah, I love the really in-depth metaposts about filming/costuming choices and stuff. They’re so cool. I really like seeing how choices made while filming things affects the characters/worldbuilding.

        Darcy is awesome and you’re awesome. Actually, Darcy is one of my favorite Marvel characters. I love her personality.

        ………*whimpers* Siiiif…

    • nevillegirl says:

      …in that case, have you ever read either of the books I reviewed here? https://musingsfromnevillesnavel.wordpress.com/2014/02/01/two-in-one-review-harry-potter-page-to-screen-the-hunger-games-the-official-illustrated-movie-companion/ They’re about the film design of HP and THG.

      Aw, thank you. Apparently my dorkyness is awesome?

      I need to figure out who plays Sif and see what other films she’s acted in. 😀

      • I’ve read the HG one, but not the HP version. It was really interesting. Film design is interesting, no?

        All dorkyness is awesome, especially yours.

        Her name is Jaimie Alexander and apparently she’s been in a bunch of TV shows and films and stuff. She’s tall too; 5’9″. Much taller than either of us. (hah we’re such hobbits)

    • nevillegirl says:

      Why, thank you. *basks in her dorkiness*

      5’9″?! Why must everyone tower over me?

  2. Cait says:

    This is pure brilliance!!! I’m totally taking notes right now, you know, to help with my villainy (I prefer to think of it as like a little side career…not to detract from my main things, but definitely there as a fallback). I’m working on my evil laugh, currently. Not going so well. The evil faces? Mwhaha. I’m sooo there.

  3. themagicviolinist says:

    Eeeeee!!! 😀 I was waiting for this! All of his Gifs are awesome. You can’t go wrong with any of them.

    “And what is my song, you ask? Why… can’t you hear them?” XD

    • nevillegirl says:

      Haha, thanks! Originally I was just going to use a few pictures but as I looked around for some, I realized it would be funnier with loads of GIFs. And the Master is one of my favorite villains anyway, so yeah.

  4. Mom says:

    A most excellent GSA post. (And now Nevillegirl wonders to which GSA I am referring….)

  5. orphu44 says:

    I thought for a moment the Master was going to use Harold Saxon as an example of an intimidating name, and was kind of questioning the his judgment.

  6. Tehehe. One of my villains is Vladimere (and another is Friedrich… I seem to have a leaning towards European names), but then one has to be careful not to fall into cliché territory with names. When you mention Voldemort being rooted in French, it’s hard for me not to snigger at the obviousness of ‘la mort’.
    Also, am I weird for thinking blonde hair did not suit The Master?

  7. Engie, is that GIF (black and white of the Doctor and the Master) from filming or something… because I’m cracking up right now *dies from laughter* Which would not be appropriate if it were the actual seen from the show. Oh, goodness, I wanted to procrastinate, and your posts are always perfect (and go rather well with brownies). *keeps laughing because THE GIF*

  8. Pingback: DOCTOR WHO Series Eight Review: “Dark Water” (Co-written With Sabrina Wolfheart @ Books And Bark) | Musings From Neville's Navel

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