A camera swoops down a hallway, showing the enormous line of villains located just outside a set of double doors. The view expands outwards to reveal evildoers crowding into a vast auditorium where a man with short, light brown hair walks on a stage at the front.
“Hello, villains!” he shouts. “Listen, you lot, you’re all whizzing about. It’s really very distracting. Could you all just stay still a minute because I. AM. TALKING!”
The audience falls silent.
“Hello! My name is Harold Saxon and it’s such an honor to give the closing speech of the Good-Sinful Alliance’s 2014 conference to you today.
Since we’re now wrapping up this festival of maldoing, I thought it was logical to use this time to give an overview of villainy. We all know what villainy is, of course – bad deeds – but do we all know how to accomplish them? Following is some general advice to help any villain maximize their evil potential.
Use a sinister-sounding name.
If you don’t already have one, make one up. Either way, it is of utmost necessity to acquire an evil name before you begin your career of villainy for if you do not, no one will take you seriously.
Some of the best sinister names are either vaguely French – Voldemort, Lestrange, Malfoy – or involve putting ‘the’ in front of a term that means ‘someone who performs a certain action’ – for example, the Joker. Or my own name, the Master.
Some utterly non-evil-sounding names to avoid include Myrtle, Fritz, and Ralph.
Go to any means necessary to collect some – try brainwashing or coercion. The more vile your method, the better! Train them well, molding them literally in your own image (as did I) if you so desire. What is a villain without some sniveling lackeys and a couple of yes-men?
Choose a theme song.
All the best, most cultured villains have them. My pal Darth Vader uses this thing called the Imperial March, and I’ve heard the Lannisters have some pretty awesome tunes themselves.
And what is my song, you ask? Why… can’t you hear them?
This A) intimidates the good guys and B) convinces them that you are one hundred percent bonkers. I recommend practicing at least twice daily for maximum effect. Concentrate on the hilarious memory of embarrassing your enemy or, alternatively, think of a really good knock-knock joke. Either works.
Such expressions will help everyone – from other villains and your minions to the good guys that you terrorize – to differentiate between moods like ‘slightly irritated and itching to punt a few henchmen’ to ‘beyond furious and ready to smite the world.’ Also, I’ve discovered that an innocent face often aids in a rise to power – no one suspected me of being a rogue Time Lord.
In the olden days this typically meant long black cloaks with sinister-looking hoods, but those have since gone out of fashion for two reasons. First, it is super easy to trip on the hem of your cloak, thus tripping yourself and making all your minions giggle. Secondly, they can only be dry-cleaned and it’s not worth it to run up a huge bill just to take care of your clothes.
For modern-day, forward-thinking villains, I recommend black hoodies. You’ll still look intimidating, but now with an addition of snuggly comfort.
It is lamentable that I even have to mention this but sadly, some villains forget. They drive themselves to accomplish every evil task ever known, and they run themselves ragged. Take time to eat, sleep, take a bath, et cetera. No one likes a hungry, groggy, foul-smelling villain.
Evil friends help each other out, it’s true, but don’t let that fool you into thinking you are always at another villain’s beck and call. Maybe you have your own projects to work on, or are enjoying a well-earned vacation. Either way, it isn’t necessary to join every dastardly plan of achieving world domination. It’s OK to say no.
This is somewhat related to my point about remembering to do mundane tasks: being a villain is not the only thing you do, so be sure you take time to relax. It’s perfectly normal to kick back every so often and goof off. So go ahead and have fun.
This isn’t as obvious as it sounds, if the number of failed villains is anything to go by. I’ll put it quite clearly: Don’t. Blabber. Your. Plans. To. Everybody! In fact, tell as few people as possible about your secrets and make sure that no one knows the entirety of your plans. (This is easy to accomplish by assigning each minion only a tiny part of a big project so that no one knows exactly how their part of the plan fits into the overall project.)
Interpret this advice any way you wish, really. Every villain needs a nemesis – some guy who supports the side of good so strongly that it’s positively insufferable – but you may have whatever kind of relationship you choose with said nemesis. Invite them over for dinner, if you’d like (although they may be the dinner). Or cuddle them. Alternatively, you could also try blasting them into smithereens.
Everything I’ve said boils down to this. Villains will deal with many trials and tribulations (most of them brought upon themselves) and it is necessarily to be properly equipped. So be prepared for a lifelong career of villainy. Acquire the minions, the evil laugh, the sinister clothes, the enemies, et cetera. The whole package.
Following this advice should prove to better any villain. After all, the only time villains want to be good at anything is when they’re good at being evil, right? Right. I hope that during this year, each and every one of you grow in your evilness and frequently make those around you say: