32 Things Not To Say When I Come Out To You

It’s National Coming Out Day! I wrote a post for this event last year, and I thought I’d do something similar this year.

This time, I’d like to talk about the responses I get after coming out… because I rarely hear anything normal. I receive a lot of REALLY WEIRD responses, for the most part. Sometimes these responses are rude; sometimes they’re just clueless.

Either way, they’re irritating. Here are some things I would prefer not to hear again… and the snarky responses I only wish I’d thought of at the time.

1. “But you’re so pretty!”

You called me pretty! Yay!

But you also seem to think that lesbians can’t/shouldn’t be pretty! Boo!

2. “Gross!”

I know, right? You’re so gross! Now shoo!

3. “But how can you possibly know?!”

Because even though everyone told me I should want a boyfriend/husband, I looked at girls and went, “OMG. Girls. Wow”?

4. “But you’ll end up with a guy eventually, right?”

Um. No.

5. “I think you should tell [insert name here]!”

I’m pretty sure I can make my own decision about that very personal matter, thank you very much.

6. “I don’t think you should tell [insert name here]!”

I’m pretty sure I can make my own decision about that very personal matter, thank you very much.

7. “How will you ever find a girlfriend?!”

I’m not the only queer girl on Earth, thank god.

(And if I was, well, I’d build my own TARDIS and travel through space and time until I met some cute alien girl. Duh.)

8. “Leviticus 18:22!”

I can say weird names followed by letters too! Katniss Everdeen, chapter forty three, verse ten!

9. “Why do you have to make your sexual orientation so obvious?”

Because straight people tell me who they they think is cute, or talk about their boyfriend/girlfriend, or hold hands with them in public, or talk about their wedding/engagement, or whatever. Straight people are not the only ones entitled to be obvious about who they like…

10. “So you want to be a guy? Or something like that?”

Being a lesbian and being a transgender guy are two completely different things.

(Also, I wouldn’t refer to trans dudes as people who “want to be guys.” They ARE guys.)

11. “But you can’t have kids unless you’re with a guy! Doesn’t that worry you?”

News flash: Adoption and IVF are things that exist.

News flash #2: Not everyone wants kids, anyway. I don’t. I mean, they’re cute and everything, but I am ninety-nine-point-nine percent sure that I don’t want any of my own. I’d rather have goat kids!

12. “But if you HAD to pick a guy, who would you choose?”

But if you HAD to answer a question that I KNEW would make you uncomfortable, which question would you choose?

13. “So, theoretically, what would I call your girlfriend after you get married? Your spouse? Your partner? Can I even say she’s your wife if you’re both women? OMG, THIS IS SO CONFUSING!”

No, not really. I can refer to her with whichever of the above terms I wish, and you can just base what you say off of my words. It’s not really that difficult.

(Personally, I prefer ‘wife,’ because to me ‘spouse’ sounds impersonal and ‘partner’ reminds me of cowboys.)

14. “Ew, do you have a crush on me? I bet you do!”

On principle, I do not crush on girls who ask such inane and slightly rude questions.

15. “Don’t you know that there are ways to correct it? Your sexual orientation, I mean?”

Don’t you know that you should shut up and go away?

16. “Then why haven’t you tried to kiss me before?!”

Because I’m not interested in you? Because I don’t kiss girls I’m not interested in? Because you would’ve said, “EW!” and then told all your friends that I was a freak?

I’m not sure why you even asked this question, to be honest.

17. “Wow, I could NEVER give up men!”

Me too! Especially since “giving up men” implies that I was interested in them in the first place! Funny how that works…

18. “OMG, John and Sherlock are the cutest couple EVER!”

You do realize John and Sherlock aren’t actually gay, don’t you? Like, the writer of BBC Sherlock is a homophobic [expletive deleted] and he thinks being gay is some sort of punchline.

So, you know, maybe don’t expect me to act like they’re some pinnacle of representation?

I think I shall refer people to this #18 response when they ask me why I’m not going to watch series four whenever it comes out. I’m really sick of it, and don’t even get me started on the show’s portrayal of Irene

19. “How do you know you like girls if you’ve never dated one?”

You just told me that you have a crush on [insert name of celebrity who is of the opposite gender], but how is that even possible? I mean, you’ve never actually dated them.

20. “So I know you haven’t dated yet, but who would be the man in your relationship once you are are with some girl?”

Excuse me, what? We’re both girls. That’s kind of the point of a lesbian relationship.

21. “I can’t believe your parents let you be gay!”

Being a lesbian doesn’t require a permission slip.

22. “Do you like girls because a guy hurt you?”

Yo, straight girls: Do you like guys because a girl hurt you?

23. “But aren’t you disappointed that you’ll never kiss/flirt/date/have sex with/marry a guy?”

So, like, I don’t know if you realize this, but I’m GAY. Which means I AM NOT INTERESTED IN DOING ANYTHING ROMANTIC WITH A DUDE. Sheesh.

24. “I support gay people!”

OK, now what about those who are neither straight nor gay?

25. “I support gay marriage!”

OK, now what about the LGBTQ+ that aren’t related to marriage equality?

26. “OMG, I love Macklemore’s song ‘Same Love!'”

Um… OK? That dude’s not gay. He’s a straight ‘ally,’ and I put ally in scare quotes because he’s a pretty lousy one. I mean, I’m all for discussion of LGBTQ+ topics in pop culture, but couldn’t you find a better song and a much better role model?

27. “You’re feminine… so that must mean you like more masculine girls, right?”

Actually, no, I don’t. (Why do straight people insist on classifying those in same-gender relationships as “the guy” and “the girl?” I am confused.) I like girly girls. Very very very rarely I find an androgynous girl attractive, but that hardly ever happens, and I am not attracted to masculine girls. I don’t know why that is – it just is.

But anyway. I like girly girls like her and her and her and OMG her.

(Wait, those ladies are all from Doctor Who. Here are some who aren’t, just to prove that my type isn’t “wibbly-wobbly, timey-wimey ladies”: Her and OMG HER.)

28. “I don’t think gay people should have to come out.”

Well, I don’t think so either, but that doesn’t mean coming out is suddenly unnecessary or irrelevant or something. I wish we lived in a world where people didn’t assume sexual orientation (or gender identity), but that’s not the case, so your statement isn’t actually helping OR changing anything.

29. “Why do you insist on labeling your sexual orientation? I think we should refer to ourselves as just plain ‘human!'”

Do you have any idea what happens when I don’t label myself? People assume I’m straight. Labels help people realize that there are others like them, and labels show how we are different. You claim to accept people’s differences, and yet you don’t want us to use different words to describe ourselves. That’s just messed up.

30. “You’re only pretending to like girls because guys think it’s hot.”

Isn’t it weird how being a lesbian means you like only girls and yet everyone likes to analyze what you do and pretend that it’s for the benefit of guys?

31. “I don’t see you as a lesbian! I see you as just a person!”

Well, you’re not respecting me as a person by ignoring part of my identity. You say you’re OK with differences, and yet you also say that you don’t see differences, and that’s just contradictory.

32. “I should have known – you’re so intelligent!”

To be frank, I have no idea what this means. (Is there an “all lesbians are nerds” stereotypes? Because if so, that’s news to me.)

And you’ve never heard me talk about my crushes, have you? I can be extremely shallow.


If you’re straight: I hope this has been a very educational post and that you have learned what things to avoiding saying.

If you’re queer: I’m sure we’ve all heard some pretty weird remarks upon coming out, so tell me – what are some of the strangest comments you’ve received? I’d love to know!


About nevillegirl

Elizabeth. University of Iowa class of 2019. Triple majoring in English & Creative Writing, Journalism, and Gender, Women's, & Sexuality Studies. Twenty-one-year-old daydreamer, introvert, voracious reader, aspiring writer, and lesbian. Passionate about feminism, mental health, comic books, and cats.
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61 Responses to 32 Things Not To Say When I Come Out To You

  1. YES TO ALL OF THIS. I’m straight (I think) but I have queer friends who’ve been subjected to these kinds of questions. I especially hate the assumption that lesbians have to be masculine. Like…what. And assuming that you like EVERY girl because you’re a lesbian?? That doesn’t even make sense.

    And yes. The queer-baiting in Sherlock is awful.

    I’ll make sure to never say these things if someone comes out to me 😛

    • nevillegirl says:

      I know, right? One time I asked a girl who asked me that if she assumed every straight boy likes her just because she’s a girl. 😛

      *nodnod* I’ve given up on it, basically. Which is a shame, because a lot of the show’s other aspects are quite cool, but when I watched it I felt SO UNCOMFORTABLE with all those jokes and queerbaiting and whatnot. :/

      Excellent. 🙂

  2. I can’t believe people would be so inconsiderate. Ha. Never mind, I do. Why people have to be such jerks is beyond me, even if they’re naïve.
    Thank you for posting this. I hope people who do say these things read this post.
    If someone I knew came out as gay, lesbian, etc., I would say, “Thank you for telling me! I’m so glad you feel comfortable being yourself.”

    • nevillegirl says:

      It’s really quite amazing how rude some people can be… 😦

      You’re welcome! I enjoyed writing it because I was able to use ALL THE SARCASM.

      And you would be EXACTLY right to say something like that! 🙂 Even a simple, “OK, good to know!” response to coming out is WONDERFUL. That’s literally all I’m asking for – some acknowledgement that people heard and understood what I said. But instead, I usually hear really weird responses…

  3. Cait says:

    This. is. hilarious. People actually say these things, though?? Ah. Humans. *headdesk* I agree that Sherlock/John aren’t gay too, btw, but I do think it’s sad that the “I’m not gay!” is ALWAYS a punchline. Books. Movies. Shows. Whyyyyy.

    • nevillegirl says:

      Sometimes I really loathe other humans. 😦

      IKR? I just want to read/watch stories where non-hetero sexual orientations aren’t treated as some kind of freaking joke.

  4. Happy National Coming Out Day (… I’m not quite sure that’s what you’re supposed to say, but we say it for every other holiday soooooo….)!

    Those ARE some weird statements. (Btw, everything I say about LGBTQ+ issues/people is meant to be supportive and not offensive at all. Please do let me know if anything I say or do is offensive to you. I want to educate myself on LGBTQ+ issues, and don’t want to be offensive at all.)

    Our family knows several gay/lesbian/LGBTQ+ people and couples. One of them I didn’t know was lesbian until I met her partner (she prefers the term “partner,” so we use it in relation to her and her marriage), which just goes to show you can’t stereotype people. I find it sad that it’s such a shock to others when LGBTQ+ people come out. We should be able to accept people and just be, “Okay. *move on to next topic and don’t spend all day fretting about it*”

    I don’t know why people want to stereotype lesbians into the “guy” one and the “girl” one. We were talking about LGBTQ+ issues in class one day and one boy asked, “When lesbians get married, which one walks down the isle?” What bothers me is that my teacher didn’t even bother correcting him, or telling him that could be rude/offensive if he ever said it to a lesbian girl. I figure that couples can do whatever they want. They can both walk down the isle, if they want, or not, or NEWS FLASH: WE DON’T HAVE TO SEPARATE THEM INTO GUYS/GIRLS. THEY ARE BOTH GIRLS. THEY CAN DO WHAT THEY LIKE. AND NOT EVERYONE HAS A TRADITIONAL CHRISTIAN MARRIAGE. EVEN IF THEY ARE NOT LESBIAN.

    Well, timey-wimey ladies are definitely very pretty… They make everyone wibbly-wobbly. (BAD PUN ALERT.)

    Steven Moffat is SO homophobic. I’ve put up with it for so long, and I actually avoided Sherlock for a little bit because of the weird little homophobic lines. I like the plot and everything but MOFFAT LGBTQ+ PEOPLE ARE NOT PUNCHLINES. It’s just weird that Moffat is so homophobic and that Sherlock has such a reputation. I told my friends the other day that several of my other friends had recommended Sherlock to me. They were like, “Is that the one with all the gay people?” NO. They were shocked to hear Moffat’s homophobic. I swear, if Moffat keeps writing Doctor Who next season, I’m going to need to find a new television channel. Because he’s all over BBC. I love(d) Doctor who (when RTD wrote it), and I’d definitely start watching again after Moffat leaves. And don’t even get me STARTED on his contrived plotlines…

    My friend who is straight doesn’t want kids. Another one of my friends who is straight wants to adopt kids. It’s a thing, guys. IT HAPPENS. GASP.

    (Anyways, I tried to phrase this well and not be offensive in any way, but if I was PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE do tell me if I was offensive, so I can fix it. And feel free to edit my comment and correct anything [I hope there’s nothing, but still] I said that was incorrect/offensive.)

    • nevillegirl says:

      Ehehe, I’ll definitely accept “Happy National Coming Out Day” as a greeting! 😛

      *nodnod* It’s not difficult (or at least it SHOULDN’T be) to figure out what to call people’s spouses… just follow their lead!

      *deep sigh* Yeah, I hate that guy/girl classification.
      (At my future-theoretical-hypothetical wedding I want my wife and I to BOTH walk down the aisle. 🙂 I mean, it’s a freaking wedding, shouldn’t we do those things together?)

      *sighs again* Yeah… I’ve had people (who claim to be allies) tell me that Sherlock actually treats LGBTQ+ topics well. Like, are we even watching the same show?!?! I may not like Moffat’s version of Doctor Who, but I can generally handle its weirdness. Sherlock, though? I’ve just given up. When I started watching I thought people had overstated its queerbaiting and homophobia – I didn’t think it would be that bad.
      …and that sucks, because I love many other parts of the show. I LOVE LOVE LOVE how the writers adapted the original stories for a modern-day setting, for example. But that doesn’t negate the show’s other issues. “A Scandal in Belgravia” made me really upset…
      …sometimes I’m not sure whether I dislike the show or its fandom more. I mean, the show has issues, but the fandom is SO ANNOYING sometimes and says, “LOL no it doesn’t have any problems! It is 0% homophobic!” :/

      THAT DOES HAPPEN. GASP. 😛 I guess, for me, it’s like… kids are cute and funny for a little bit but I don’t want my own. It’s not even about not wanting the responsibility, really, it’s just that I have no interest in them.

      (You weren’t offensive at all! 🙂 I’m glad to see that you’re taking the initiative to educate yourself about these issues and that you’re apparently willing to learn from any mistakes. Like… people mess up, and that’s OK – I don’t really mind if they mess up as long as they learn from it and don’t do it again! I learned a lot of stuff about trans people this way, actually, and learned that it’s really really really important to just LISTEN and not whine when people call me out for any mistakes because hey, I /did/ mess up. 🙂 So yeah, you’re doing fine!)

      • Oh, I’m glad I wasn’t offensive 🙂 I try my best to be an ally. 😀

        Urgh… just. Moffat. I don’t want to talk about him. I could go on ALL DAY.

        My school is a lovely place, and we have signs hung up saying “NO ROOM FOR HOMOPHOBIA.” Teachers really do crack down on it. Oh, and also, our mascot is the Scottish people, which makes our school animal the unicorn. 😛

    • nevillegirl says:

      You’re off to a good start. 🙂 Mostly it’s just important for allies to educate themselves and be willing to correct any mistakes/things they didn’t realize were offensive.

      Yeah… did you see his comments about bi and ace people? (They’re mentioned down below in another comment, if you’re interested.)

      Yay! I don’t have that sort of thing at school because, you know, homeschooling (we don’t really have posters hung on the walls or anything like a normal school) but at the college where I go part-time a lot of the teachers’ offices have little rainbow posters next to the doors saying, “This is a queer-positive place” or something along those lines. ❤

  5. Miriam Joy says:

    “Won’t you get lonely?” “Why aren’t you attracted to anyone?” “Is that a medical thing?” and finally, “Asexual? Like a plant?”
    Yes like a bloody plant, so glad we cleared that one up.

    • nevillegirl says:

      Ugh, you probably do hear some pretty weird things. I mean, people have enough trouble understanding gay men and lesbians, apparently, and they’re usually really weirded out by the B and T in ‘LGBT.’ And then if you’re some even-less-well-known sexual orientation/gender identity, well… I can’t even imagine how frustrating and ignorant the responses must be. *hugs*

      (Hey, you mentioned meeting a bunch of queer people at Cambridge so far; have you met any other ace people? 🙂 I hope you do…)

      • Miriam Joy says:

        I have, actually! Well, only one so far, and it was completely by chance, but yeah. We were sitting next to each other at a thing, so that was cool.

        But I’ve also had the standard encounters where I have to explain what being ace actually means and that there’s no reason for it, it’s an orientation like anything else, blah blah blah. I now have my ace pirates poster on my wall again so that’s cool

    • nevillegirl says:

      Yay! (Aces of a feather flock together! xD)

      *thumbs up* I love that poster.

  6. Mo says:

    …can I tell you that you’re pretty?

    • nevillegirl says:

      *blush* If you want.
      I don’t understand why you’re doing this, though. Art?

      • Mo says:

        Okay. You’re pretty. 😛
        …I can’t think of anything witty to say.
        (As a side note, at the lesbian wedding I attended, they both walked down the aisle though neither of their fathers were there, and from what I could tell from photos, their fathers walked them down the aisle at their previous ceremony.)

    • nevillegirl says:

      *giggles* Thank you.
      [Insert some witty and vaguely gay quote here]
      (I’m guessing their previous marriages were to men? And that that had something to do with what traditions were followed?)

      • Mo says:

        Loathe as I am to admit it, now is not the time to be witty.
        (No, the fathers-walking-them-down-the-aisle thing was with each other at their commitment ceremony or something. The one I attended was more of their “now gay marriage is legal in this state, so we’re going to have a ceremony” thing.)

    • nevillegirl says:

      I think that’s an Ashton quote but I’m not sure?
      (Ohhhhhhh. That makes sense too. 🙂 *facepalms because she didn’t understand the first time around*)
      (And while we’re on the subject(ish), did I ever show you what Doctor Who Magazine wrote about Vastra & Jenny’s wedding? xD)

      • Mo says:

        Yeah, it’s when he’s reading Volio’s note about seeing the Duke and Violet and then Violet says something snarky that I forget.
        Nah, you don’t have to feel bad–I wasn’t super clear.
        Possibly? I might have seen it on my own as well.

    • nevillegirl says:

      The thing about Vastra eating someone who insulted their wedding?

  7. Artgirl says:

    This is beautiful and I applaud you. Your responses were perfect and I think I’ll just print them out and then say them whenever people tell me these things.

    I live in a less conservative area than you, I think, which doesn’t mean everyone here is great but it does mean less totally out-there replies. There’s this guy who stands in the park outside my school we call Jesus Man who calls all the girls [promiscuous] [maybe also promiscuous connotation] [basically any misogynistic word you can think of generally applied to girls.] I’d be interested to see what he has to say. The Leviticus/insert-other-book-of-the-Bible-here I have gotten, but usually just in the form of protesters shoving their sign in my face. I’d say aside from “Eh, whatever” and “OMG you’re gay?!1! I totally support you!” the reactions I usually get are 1 and 24, though subtextually a lot of the other ones crop up. I think a lot of it is not that I live in a fairly accepting area, but that I just don’t hang out with straight people much. I get a lot of shocked reactions, I’d say—going back to the too pretty thing, maybe, or maybe because I didn’t realize I liked girls for a while so I wasn’t talking about crushes. My former best friend was actually mad that I hadn’t told her sooner, and was also like “wow I just never saw this in you” so that happened. Actually, I’ve gotten that response several times, which is interesting, because I’ve also gotten the response “Dude finally I could tell you were a lesbian the first day of freshman year” and that I give off a “lesbian vibe” (which brings up your point about labels and how we should respect them)

    Also, I think we have different tastes in girls. I mean, all girls are attractive, and there’s some girls on the femme side that make me go wow you’re gorgeous I can’t handle it. But usually it’s more masculine/androgynous girls that make me swoon. Although, I don’t want to narrow myself down because there’s a girl right now I maybe have a bit of a crush on who’s not masculine at all. I suppose it depends.

    • nevillegirl says:

      Ahaha, THANK YOU SO MUCH! I should probably print out my own list, or something. Because when people actually SAY these things, all my clever responses slip right out of my head! 😦

      Yeah, I think you do live in a less conservative area. 😛 I mean, no place is perfect, but from what you’ve said it sounds REALLY REALLY queer-friendly. Yay for you! 🙂

      Jesus Man? xD

      I haven’t had anyone tell me that they suspected I was a lesbian… not counting the person who assumed I was gay because I was smart, but IDK what that was about.

      Hmmm, I guess we do! I mean, I’m definitely open to possibly finding a more masculine girl attractive, but I also don’t think that’s very likely. Because girly girls. *swoons* Girly girls on Doctor Who!
      (Btw, Clara looks sO FREAKING CUTE in “Mummy on the Orient Express!” ❤ Ehehe.)

      • Artgirl says:

        Yeah, I can never think of anything witty to say until several hours too late.

        We call him Jesus Man because be always has a Bible with him and it always reading out the passages about eternal damnation. I think that’s why my school tends to have an anti-religion complex. My school is just weird in general, really. I think the only reason certain people “suspected” I was queer because even by the artsy standard I dress…really artsy. Which is apparently a mark of not being straight? Also the person who said I give off a lesbian vibe was from gay camp, so perhaps he was biased. Because I’m pretty sure last year everyone thought I was straight, because girls never paid any attention to me, but I think the word has gotten around the underground rumor system of the lesbian community here.

        I have no idea about the smart stereotype, because the stereotype that seems most overplayed is the Man Hating Lesbian Gym Teacher (which I’m pretty sure I had in grade school, actually). And in relation to number 32, I am so shallow when I’m talking about girls. I was actually talking to a girl about that once, and she said “I can’t imagine you ever being shallow” and I was like “sweetie that’s because I choose not to show that side of myself to you because you’re usually the girl I’m talking about um

        I haven’t seen that episode yet, but I’m looking forward to it.

    • nevillegirl says:

      Hmm. Yeah, that’s a stereotype I’ve heard. Playing the “straight hipster lady or queer girl?” guessing game is always interesting. xD Most of the time they’re just really artsy straight ladies…

      Pfft, I’ve heard of that stereotype too. *rolls eyes*

      I know, right? Ehehe, you have first-hand experience with this because I showed you those adorable pictures of Clara and Jenny a few weeks ago and I was like OMG THEY’RE SO PRETTY DSAKGHDSLGSDG.


  8. moosha23 says:

    Very educative *nods*
    I didn’t think people would be so thick because some of those questions are all like ‘are you for real?’ O.O
    I cracked up when you asked if straight girls liked guys because a girl hurt them…like what is this world XD

    • nevillegirl says:

      Thank you! *grins*

      I know, right? I seriously can’t believe the questions some people ask me. It’s like… if they bothered to THINK about it for 2 seconds, they’d have their answer.

  9. Grayson Dean Levi says:

    I’ve yet to come out as trans lmao. Was supposed to yesterday but I was too scared.

    The things about ‘but you’re so pretty!’ and ‘you can get it fixed’ also get said to me to the few people i’ve come out to. My ex-boyf told me I couldn’t call myself gay because I’m ‘not a proper guy’. Pissed me off so I haven’t actually spoken to him in like a week.

    I 100% agree with you post. Perf.

    (my name is pretty odd cos i haven’t decided on which one yet)

    • nevillegirl says:

      *offers virtual Internet hugs* Well, you don’t have to come out if you’re not ready. I think a bit of fear when coming out is normal, but if you’re really really terrified… well, come out when you’re good and ready. 🙂

      Ugh, that really sucks! And if your ex-bf said that then he doesn’t deserve you. People really suck sometimes.

      Thank you so much! 🙂 And thank YOU for reading and commenting!

      (Ahaha, that’s OK!)

  10. Strix Spell says:

    I completely agree with you on all these things but the real reason I’m here is to rant about Mo- um, the writer. in question is quite terrible. I’m pretty sure once he said that he did not approve of bisexual people and he did not believe that asexual people are interesting enough to write into his shows.
    On the topic of asexual people, The A in LGBTQIA stands for asexual right? I’m slightly confused because I’ve heard it as asexual and “allies” and I’m not sure which one it is.

    • nevillegirl says:

      Indeed. He said ace people were too boring to write about and that he wasn’t going to bother writing bi characters for his shows because “bi people are too busy having sex” to watch his shows.
      …Moffat is gross and annoying and I would ABSOLUTELY LOVE IT if someone kicked him off the Doctor Who/Sherlock writing team.

      A is always for asexual and people who tell you A is for allies are probably terrible allies. 🙂 Allies aren’t queer, so they’re not part of the acronym… but a lot of them like to add themselves to it anyway. :/

  11. Grayson Dean Levi says:

    oh yeah i had a thing to say about the sherlock thing. i find that it’s the fandom that is the problem generally. and idk, the whole ‘i’m not gay!’ line can be seen as homophobic, but as a british gay kid, we don’t generally find that offensive? idk. it might just be those of us in the alternative scene.

    then again, things vary from person to person. i don’t really find ‘f****t’ and ‘t****y’ offensive for instance. in fact, me and my circle are probably hella offensive really – like wow i’ve just realised this now.

    don’t get me wrong though, i do agree and really like your post ^.^

    • nevillegirl says:

      *shrugs* Some people find it offensive, some don’t. Also, I think there can be a huge difference between using those words with your friends in a goofy way(google “reclaimed slur”) and someone using those words to belittle you. *shrugs again*

  12. Alexandrina Brant says:

    That’s so crazy! Uni’s really opened my eyes to the different shapes and sizes of humans that it seems illogical to say weird things.
    #4 though. *anti-normative face-palm*
    Goat kids! Or, even cuter – narcoleptic goats! Have you ever seen videos of them? ^_^
    *Saves Jenny gif to laptop* To be on your side to #27, I have no idea if I have or what my ‘type’ of guy is, so why should people presume that LGBT+ people have specific ‘types’, too?
    (There’s an “all lesbians are nerds” stereotype??)
    I would also like to apologise if I’ve ever unwittingly said something so obtuse to you concerning your preference. 🙂

    • nevillegirl says:

      wHY YES
      (They're adorable and I'd much rather have goat kids/cats/both rather than human children. xD)

      Jenny ❤ ❤ ❤

      *nodnod* And "types" are kind of shallow, anyway, I mean… cuteness doesn't guarantee that someone's personality is wonderful. I mean, it's much more important to me that this hypothetical-future-girlfriend be kind and creative and make me laugh.

      (Apparently? I've been thinking about it, and as far as I can see there are two reasons people might think lesbians = nerds/smarty-pants:
      1. There seems to be this 'men are intimidated by smart women' mentality, and maybe people think that lesbians just couldn't get boyfriends for this reason so they became interested in women? *rolls eyes*
      2. People think we're smart for "not choosing men"? But it's not a choice, and.. like, women aren't any less complicated. ALL people are complicated. That's just how it is, and I don't understand girls any better just because I'm a girl. I think I can /relate/ to them better, but I'm not quite sure if that's the same thing as understanding them.)

  13. BRO THANK YOU FOR WRITING THIS POST I liked it. Also that Nat Dormer pic… *drools*
    But basically, you’ve summed up a ton of my negative-coming-out-feelings in this post. How many of those reactions have you gotten so far? If it’s all of them, I am so sorry. Actually, if it’s even any of them, I am so sorry.

    As to weird remarks I’ve gotten, there’ve been quite a few.
    1. (Me: “I’m gay.”) “Oh…I’m sorry…”
    Like okay kid why’re you sorry about my sexuality? //does not compute//
    2. I’ve mentioned crushes on girls a couple times and a few people have been like “That’s hot, can I watch?” Of course, it’s always those guys who don’t take no for an answer, you probably know who I mean.
    3. “Wait, I thought you were straight, why didn’t you tell me before now?” says the girl who I freely talked to about my (female) ex. Like, I’m pretty sure I mentioned my then-girlfriend around you, kiddo.
    And that’s just the tip of the iceberg. Isn’t it fun being queer sometimes? *laughs bitterly*

    • nevillegirl says:

      NATALIE DORMER. I can’t even.

      I’ve gotten all those reactions… I said so in the beginning of the post, silly. 😛 And actually, I left out some of the more… well… R-rated questions/remarks. It’s amazing that people think some of their questions are appropriate, like “How do you have sex?” Um. How weird would it be if someone asked a straight couple how they have sex?!?!

      You have an ex? *patpat* *also pats b/c of people who says things like “I didn’t know you weren’t straight!” after you’ve ALREADY FREAKING MENTIONED it to them* (I’ve gotten that quite a bit – I come out to people and I guess they thought I wasn’t serious about being gay??? IDK, man.)

      • Nat Dormer is just yes please.

        Selective blindness happened, I think. Probably.
        Ugh, I hate those things. It’s so weirdly invasive. One of my friends got a “Wait, so does one of you have a dick or something?” Like no. Who asks that?
        But yeah, it’s always fun to turn the question back around and reword it to apply to straight people. You can see the dawning realization on their faces, closely followed by intense embarrassment. Usually, at least.

        Yep. Idk, it was just a summer thing, nothing really serious.
        Ugh, no, I’ve gotten that so many times and each time it’s always been like *headdesk*. It actually happened with the first person I came out to in person (by which I mean not in writing of some form) and I mentioned it a week later and he was like “Wait, since when are you gay?” Cue the *headdesk*.

    • nevillegirl says:


      PFFFFFFFT. Yeah, I’ve figured out that the best way to make those people shut up is to turn the tables and ask THEM all that invasive stuff. I was on a 4-H trip a few years ago and my roommate just wouldn’t SHUT UP about asking me how lesbian sex worked??? And I was really uncomfortable? So I was like EXPLAIN STRAIGHT SEX TO ME IN GREAT DETAIL WHICH PARTS GO WHERE I DO NOT UNDERSTAND IT’S SO WEIRD and she tried and basically got really really embarassed and told me to use my imagination.
      And then I was like, “yeah basically that’s what you need to do too.”

      Gah. I hate people like that. I hate when people who call themselves ALLIES don’t even realize that I’m gay after I mentioned that I like girls. Like… you’d think if they’re “so supportive” of me, they would maybe pay a bit more attention to that sort of thing? And not go “lol really?” later and then say, “Oh, I thought you were coming out as an ally!” Wtf, there’s no need to come out as an ally.


        Yeah, it’s so awkward when they’re like “how do you do the do” and it’s just like //dies. My best friend says she usually just tells them to go watch porn even though it’s like hella inaccurate, because apparently that makes for some really flustered reactions and she’s devious like that.

        Exactly, right? Like sure they’re in the GSA and they say they support everyone and all, but really? They could at least pretend to care about real-life issues from time to time instead of being focused on being the perfect ally for society. You know who I mean. On a related note: Apparently this straight girl in our GSA wasn’t even aware that gay marriage is legalized per state. She thought it was illegal for the whole country. Is it even possible to be that blind to social change? Apparently…
        Coming out…as an ally… Does. Not compute. Who…who comes out as an ally??

    • nevillegirl says:


      *rolls her eyes* Whyyyyyy.

      *nodnod* I get so frustrated about that. I saw a thingy on… Facebook, I think? just the other day about how one type of ally sees marginalized groups as people who need to be saved and the other group sees them as people who need to be listened to. So, like, basically one group is doing for show, to make themselves feel better – and the other group is actually concerned and tries to educate themselves and whatnot.

      Well, apparently some people who commented on my coming-out post, for a start. I wrote that, like, a year ago? Ish? And yeah… first one lady said she came out as an ally and then her daughter was the one who thought I came out as an ally and basically they refuse to educate themselves and they’re shitty allies who get upset when I explain that they’re not actually helping.
      (Like, seriously, why do so many allies not want to educate themselves? They want us to do it all for them and I’m like just like NO. If they want the credit, they need to make an effort. Sure, if they try to learn a thing and get confused and have some questions for me, I’ll be happy to answer them. But people do need to make an effort in the first place.)
      (No but seriously that lady was like “gay marriage [yes she insists on calling LGBTQ+/MOGAII stuff ‘gay’] is the most important issue that people like you face! I know this because I have a gay friend!!!!!1!” *cries out of sheer frustration*)


        Such a joy, obviously.

        Allies of the first type just frustrate me so much like jfc.

        Wait, seriously? Oh god I’m so sorry.
        But yeah, like a ton of allies just don’t actually seem to care unless we spoon-feed info to them and it’s just soooo fucking shitty, you’re right. Like I saw an ally lecture one of my friends on exactly why “bisexuality is a phase and you’re obviously gay because you have a bf now, never mind your past girlfriends or anything” and just. No. Stop. Now.
        Hmm, yes, because ‘gay’ summarizes literally everything in the not-straight-spectrum. (unrelated aside: MOGAII is like the best abbreviation for stuff isn’t it like wow ily)
        And obviously marriage is the most important thing we face, never mind all the hate crime and slurs and getting legally shitted on and “””homosexual activity””” being illegal in tons of countries or anything. Of course. (slightly related aside: k so remember how I used to kind-of live in Malaysia? I was looking up stuff and I found out that apparently if two women are ‘proven to have engaged in homosexual activities’, they can be sentenced to 3-4 years in jail, 8 lashes of the cane, and, oh y’know, shunned from society once everyone finds out. Isn’t that a joy.)
        Ugh, those people who are like “I totally know everything about your situation when I really don’t because I have a _____ friend lololol” piss me off.

    • nevillegirl says:


      *noises of frustration* I knew like one awesome ally and then they eventually realized they weren't cis, so now I don't know any. xD
      (Yeah, isn't it? And it's specifically for marginalized groups, so allies can't weasel their way into the acronym.)

      Oh, I didn't know you used to live in Malaysia! And ughhhhhh, that's awful. (Also, on that same note, it seems like a lot of allies – US allies, anyway – only care about US stuff. I can talk to most of my queer friends about international LGBTQ+ stuff, but the allies are usually like "lol what I don't know what that thing is.")

      • I just need to get to seventh year first //sigh

        (That was basically my story, too: overinvested ally realizes they’re not straight and they’re not cis and boom here I am.)
        (and yes it’s so so beautiful and also people who identify with the QIAP+ parts of the popular acronym don’t get dropped out all the time)

        Yep, I moved from FL to Malaysia when I was 5, and then moved back permanently when I was 11. And yeah, ikr? Basically why I’m not planning on coming out to my extended family, ever.

        Ugh, I feel you. I’ve mentioned discrimination worldwide about MOGAII issues and allies are usually like “wut lol we have gay marriage in part of the US so obv everything’s peachy everywhere else” and the worst part is, they resist education and I’m just like //heavy sigh//

    • nevillegirl says:

      Well, that’s what Side-Along Apparition is for. 🙂

      Oh my goddddddddd I spent SO LONG trying to convince myself that I was just a straight girl who really, really cared about LGBTQ+ people. I kept telling myself that wanting to make out with girls didn’t mean I liked them that way or anything. PFFFT.

      *patpat* Shitty relatives suck.

      *rolls her eyes so far back that she can see her brain* Ooh, neat. BRAINZ. Um. Anyway. I want to do LGBTQ+ advocacy stuff someday (Laverne Cox is a huge role model to me in this career field, actually) and I really, really don’t have any interest in working towards marriage equality, or for any mostly-marriage-equality-focused organizations. There are so many other issues! I want to work at a shelter for homeless LGBTQ+ youth! I want to help trans/nonbinary/gender-nonconforming kids! Sometimes I get so irritated by this hyper-focus on marriage equality that I think maybe I won’t even get married – hopefully I’ll find someone awesome and spend years and years and years with her, but maybe we’ll never get married just to piss off the heterosexuals who will be like BUT WHAT DID WE DO ALL THIS WORK FOR?! And I’ll be like IDK WHAT YOU DID THAT WORK FOR THERE ARE OTHER BIGGER MORE IMPORTANT ISSUES SHEESH PEOPLE. 😛

      • Waittt, wouldn’t you be a 7th year this year? You’d be learning to apparate, wouldn’t you? (hint hint)

        My realization was less denial, and more oblivious-ness, until suddenly “Wait, shit, I like this girl as more than friends.” But I feel you, oh my god, I spent forever trying to convince myself I was cis because I hadn’t learned about nb identities yet, and ‘boy’ didn’t fit me either. And then I saw one of those ppts about gender on tumblr and that was my Big Not-Cis Moment.

        Right? Like omfg allies go educate yourselves because jesus christ the battle is /far/ from over, contrary to what you think. But duuude that sounds awesome, I wish you luck with it uwu.

    • nevillegirl says:

      Yeah, I know. So I’d Apparate and you’d Side-Along Apparate with me, silly. 😛

      Yeah, I was like that at some point too, when I was in my early, early teens. I just didn’t know lesbians existed – like, I remember crushing on one of the female counselors at summer camp and I knew it was a crush but I was like “well that’s not actually a thing because the only options are m/f and m/m.”

      I’m gonna be like Captain America. I’ll just throw my shield at people and it’ll hit them and then suddenly they’ll know all about asexuality and romantic orientations and the silliness of the gender binary and all that stuff. It should be lovely.

      • C’mon, apparate over here already uwu

        I know that feel, I didn’t realize orientations other than straight existed until I was like thirteen? I do remember crushing on people of all genders, but most of the time I was either oblivious to the fact that they were actually crushes, or just really deep in denial bc of that same reason.

        Hell yes. That sounds like a really awesome cosplay though, you should do it. Like, deck yourself out in as many mogii flags as you can fit everywhere.

    • nevillegirl says:

      *Apparates and brings you Chocolate Frogs*

      I KNOW, RIGHT?! I thought it was just a really really strong friendship, or maybe hero-worship. Pffft.


    • nevillegirl says:

      Pssssh. Let’s just make chocolate frogs, then. 😛

      *nodnod* I know soooooo much stuff that I just had no clue about then.

    • nevillegirl says:

      Ummmmmmmmmmm… *appears on your doorstep* Hello. And HAPPY NEW YEAR!

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