This February, I’m doing #LoveMe, a challenge designed to help you learn to love yourself! One of my New Year’s resolutions was to be kinder and more gentle to myself, so I’m trying to be as positive as I can possibly be in 2017 and hope that doing this challenge will be good for my mental health and overall well-being. Check out my previous #LoveMe posts here!
Today’s prompt is:
Something you have done right.
Sometimes it feels as though nothing I do is right, that I can do nothing right. That I try my hardest and screw everything up no matter what. With my depression, there are long stretches of inactivity, where I do nothing, feel nothing, am nothing, and when they finally break and I am able to do things once again, the very first thing I do is wrong. Of course.
It’s very disheartening.
Because I’m a student, all the things I seem to get wrong are, at the moment, related to my studies. Missed scholarships, last-minute cramming.
One thing I’ve done right, though, is making the dean’s list each and every semester of college. This has happened three times so far and I’m working hard to make it happen a fourth time. Each time it happens I am genuinely surprised. And then pleased with my work.
To make the dean’s list, one has to earn at least a 3.50 GPA while taking twelve or more hours of credit per semester. It’s no small feat, and several times a semester I find myself doubting my ability to pull this off again. And yet I do.
I’m never totally satisfied with how the semester – any semester – turns out for me but making the dean’s list is definitely something I should be proud of. Sometimes I feel as though my depression stops me from doing everything I care about and I need to remind myself that it doesn’t. No, it doesn’t.
I show up to just about every single class. (I’ve missed, at most, two lectures out of all of my classes each semester.) I take thorough notes. I arrange review sessions or go to ones others have set up. I visit my professors during their office hours and ask a ton of anxious questions about the material, the tests, the essays. I attend tutoring sessions to help me improve my writing and get started on those huge papers early.
And even though I always stress about whether I will actually make the dean’s list, it always pays off. One of the goals I talked about in the bucket list post I published on my twentieth birthday was to make the president’s list at my school, which involves earning a solid 4.0 for two semesters. I’m not going to achieve that this school year because my GPA wasn’t high enough last semester, but I did make the dean’s list once again. And that’s enough. I don’t have to do everything perfectly. I just have to do something right.