Several weeks ago, one of my friends and I had a conversation about an LGBTQ+ sorority she belongs to and I made a comment about wanting to join – despite knowing deep down that I probably never would. Not because I was lying about being interested in this group, but because I simply don’t have the time, energy, and motivation to follow through on all the things I want to do.
That conversation, as well as half a dozen others, led me to write this post. Actually, it first led me to post a status update on Facebook late last night:
Hey, everyone. I’ve been feeling overwhelmed, stressed, and totally drained lately and as a result my attendance at things like club meetings, events that you invite me to, et cetera. I haven’t been that great of a friend and I’m really sorry about that. When I do have energy, 99% of it goes toward homework and studying. Unfortunately, I’ve had to really cut back what I am involved in.
At the moment I’m trying really hard to sort out icky mental health stuff and get the semester back under control, so you can expect to see me out and about and participating in more things soon. (Well, probably. HOPEFULLY).
Again, I’m sorry about all of this: It’s not because I don’t care. I care so much and I feel so bad for missing so many meetings, skipping plays that you’re performing in, and so on and so forth. I would have been there if I could and I’ll try to do a better job of being there from now on. Thank you for your patience and understanding! Please like this post if you read to the end of it so I know that you saw this and understand what’s been going on.
I’ve worked hard these past few days to get caught up on schoolwork. I can usually manage to drag myself out of bed and get to class on time but on days when I don’t have classes motivating (threatening?) me to actually get up, I just… don’t. I lie there for hours instead.
Well, I’ve been trying to do something about that. I’ve repeated this process over and over again, so I know this won’t be the last time I do it, either. Multiple times a semester, I have to get my life back under control because it seems to spin out of control so easily. So what makes this time any different? I thought I would give my friends, classmates, and acquaintances an update so they understood, as I wrote in my note, “what’s been going on.”
Because I’m self-conscious about this whole business of missing so many commitments and obligations. I don’t want people to think that I hate them or have been going out of my way to avoid them. I don’t want people such as my friend in the LGBTQ+ sorority to think that, when I express interest in what they’re involved with, that I am lying through my teeth and couldn’t care less. Because I DO. I’ve just had to prioritize things such as sleeping and eating and taking my medication and then tackle college and then do extracurriculars.
This entire semester has just been SO MUCH to deal with. To be honest, ever since the election I’ve had major problems motivating myself and keeping up a happy outlook on life… and I know I’m not alone in that. I don’t want people to think I’ve gone AWOL and wonder if we were ever really friends, that’s all.
Here’s to getting better at explaining mental health shit to friends in 2017.
P.S. If you’d like to read a much more eloquent post on about a similar experience with mental illness, friendship, missed get-togethers, and the desire to get better, I recommend that you check out Please Keep Inviting Me To Brunch by the amazing Sam Dylan Finch of Let’s Queer Things Up!