Local College Student Parodies Fairy Tales | The “Snow White” Edition

Throughout the past semester, I’ve often talked about how much I enjoyed my Literary Retelling & Impersonation writing workshop. For the final project, we were to turn in a portfolio of our work throughout the course, consisting of both short pieces and an expanded retelling or impersonation, as well as explications of each piece we included. 

For my expanded piece, I returned to one of my earliest loves – fairy tales. I retold them in the first unit of the class, and years before I had written a version of “Cinderella” for a project in middle school.

Over the next week or so I plan to post several excerpts of my expanded piece, a series of humorous reworkings of various fairy tales and fables told in newspaper format. Today’s post contains the lead story – the first three pages or so of my ten-page expanded retelling!

I hope you enjoy!

P.S. If you’re curious about the names used in this story… I cobbled them together from multiple versions of the tale! Pretty proud of how that choice turned out, actually. 

QUEEN GRIMHILDE DEAD AT 52, SNOW WHITE CHARGED WITH FIRST-DEGREE MURDER

Mirror, mirror, on the wall: What justice is fairest for them all?

FAIRYTALEVILLE, Iowa – Police are investigating a complex assortment of motives that lead to the death of Queen Grimhilde at Prince Ferdinand’s wedding ball yesterday.

Authorities say that while it is clear that her stepdaughter, Snow White – the newly wed bride of the prince – committed the murder, it is not yet clear what factors may have led to this incident.

Queen Grimhilde, 52, known colloquially as “the wicked queen,” was rushed to the Fairytaleville Hospital at 11:32 last night, where she died of her injuries. She was pronounced dead at 2:05 this morning. An ER triage nurse, who asked to remain anonymous, said the cause of death was third-degree burns to her feet and lower legs.

Snow White, 23, was arrested at the scene and charged with first-degree murder. She was transported to the Fairytaleville Jail and her bail was set for $1 million.

Police have opened an investigation into what could have possibly precipitated this event.

Twenty-two years ago, King Frederic’s first wife, Queen Isobel, died from complications of childbirth shortly after Snow White was born. He remarried Grimhilde one year later.

According to an interview with Snow White conducted early this morning by members of the Fairytaleville press, the princess and the new queen had a tense relationship.

“She didn’t hate me at first, but that changed when she bought that [expletive] mirror,” said Snow White. The mirror in question is an immense magical object, standing nearly as high as an adult human male and measuring twice as wide.

According to authorities, one communicated with the mirror by saying the following words: “Mirror, mirror on the wall, who is the fairest of them all?”

The mirror then responds, “You may be the fairest here, but Snow White is a thousand times more fair.”

“She found it on Craigslist. God knows who she got it from, but that thing ruined my life. She became obsessed with skincare, beauty magazines, all of that [expletive],” Snow White continued. “And, I mean, who doesn’t like reading Cosmo’s sex tips? But she was unhealthily into the stuff. Pretty soon she started taking it out on me… well, I can’t help it if I’m more beautiful than she ever was or ever will be, can I?”

“That was when I knew I had to take that [expletive] down. I knew it even then, all those years ago. And who can blame me? I won’t go to prison for it, you’ll see,” she added, before police forces escorted her away.

The location of the mirror was determined by Fairytaleville police several hours ago. It has since been confiscated as evidence in compliance with a new law stating that sentient magical objects do not have the same rights as human beings or magical animals and therefore can be locked up without the warrant required to arrest a human or an animal.

The mirror is currently suing Fairytaleville because he perceived this action to be an infringement of his magical rights.

Snow White also alleged that at the age of 13, she was cast out of her home and taken to the Fairytaleville forest to be murdered by a huntsman the Queen had hired.

This claim was confirmed when Erik Black stepped forward and admitted that he had been hired to kill the princess.

“All these years, I’ve felt so bad about what I agreed to do,” he said this morning. “But I didn’t do it. In the end, I couldn’t do it. I let her go because I thought she’d die of hunger out in the woods. I felt so bad about that, but at least I didn’t have blood on my hands. I never told the Queen what I’d done.”

“I can’t believe Snow White is still alive,” he said.

Prince Ferdinand could not be reached for comment. Palace authorities informed reporters at the that he returned to the residence shortly after the ball and has not left since.

Members of the Fairytaleville royalty’s official online fanclub have taken to speculating on the website’s forum, including one poster with the handle “LittleRed_RidingHoodie” who thought the prince may be in shock.

“They just got married but it’s basically already over. I don’t know about u [sic], but there’s no way I would be coming out of that place anytime soon if I were him. Don’t blame that guy one bit,” they posted at 7:53 this morning.

Anyone with further information on either this incident or the persons and objects involved has been asked to contact police at (123) 456-7890.

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About nevillegirl

Elizabeth, University of Iowa class of 2019. Double majoring in English & Creative Writing and Journalism. Twenty-year-old daydreamer, introvert, voracious reader, and aspiring writer. Passionate about feminism and lesbian positivity.
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5 Responses to Local College Student Parodies Fairy Tales | The “Snow White” Edition

  1. Heather says:

    XD I love the way you combine the story with journalism. I think it adds a humorous tone, but it encourages us to think about what comes next in a way that “happily ever after” doesn’t guarantee us. It reminds me a little bit of Hoodwinked, actually, in terms of how we’d next approach the story. Nice work!

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