Hey everyone! Time for the final installment of snippets from the portfolio I created for the end-of-course assessment in my Literary Retelling & Impersonation class. Today’s pieces are singles ads and, while I’m quite happy with all the fairy tale retellings I wrote last semester, this bunch is definitely my favorite. So much fun to create!
TWENTY-SOMETHING MAN SEEKS WOMAN MISSING A SHOE
Me: A twentysomething prince, very fit, enjoys horseback riding and chamber music. You: Petite, blonde, soft-voiced, seemed in a hurry to leave, lost a glass shoe while on a midnight stroll around the palace grounds with me. I have your shoe. If interested in reclaiming it and possibly going out for a drink, please call (098) 765-4321.
YOUNG WOMAN SEEKING HIRSUTE GENTLEMAN
Single female, 20, looking for a life partner. Muscled and hairy guys only, please. Must enjoy long romantic walks through the woods and visiting the elderly. I will be at the Fairytaleville Bar & Grill this Friday from 6 PM until midnight. You’ll know me by my red hoodie and gregarious demeanor.
LONELY SORCERER SEEKS A WIFE
A scholar of the magical arts, 45, currently the sole occupant of a lavish home on the outskirts of Fairytaleville. Desires the company of a beautiful young woman, preferably the eldest of several sisters. Applicants must be in excellent health, non-smokers, and willing to live in relative isolation at my majestic estate. Contact me at firstname.lastname@example.org.
WOMAN SEEKING MAN FOR LONG, ROMANTIC WALKS ON THE BEACH
Quiet, 24, has great legs and red hair. I live in a luxurious house on the beach and am looking for the right man to share it with. Only men who also have great legs need inquire. Applicants must enjoy swimming, long companionable silences, and collecting gadgets, gizmos, whosits, whatsits, and thingamabobs. Feel free to visit me at 118 Scuttle Drive if interested.
FROG SEEKS FROG
Young attractive green frog seeks same. I am looking for the man I lost, who I have been led to believe is still in the body of a frog. I want to spend the rest of my life with you, preferably both as humans. If not, we can share a lily pad and raise tadpoles together. I currently enjoy leaping and ribbiting, although when I was human I most enjoyed cooking. If interested, go to the swamp and ask for Tiana.
LOOKING FOR A WOMAN WHO CAN GUESS MY NAME
My ideal woman is the daughter of a miller. I wish for nothing more than to raise children together and plan to provide for them with the not-insignificant income I earn spinning straw into gold. I reside at the inn above the Fairytaleville Bar & Grill; ask the front-desk clerk to fetch his most strikingly handsome tenant. I eagerly await your response.
SEARCHING FOR A MAN WHO WILL SHOW ME THE WORLD
Who am I? Just a lonely princess who longs for adventures – a whole new world, a new fantastic point of view. A dazzling place I never knew, if you will. Am willing to travel by any means possible, including over, sideways, and under. Men who dream shining, shimmering, splendid dreams need only apply. Contact Princess Jasmine at the Agrabah Palace!