Severus Snape: Thank you, thank you. Today, we meet to discuss one of the villainous world’s most useful, feared type of member. Today, we discuss dragons. [Mutters to the technicians offstage] Hit the lights, please…
As a hulking red dragon flaps and lumbers his way onto the stage, three spots of lights converge to shine upon the place where he takes a seat. The audience goes wild.
Snape: I hardly think he needs any introduction, but all the same…
The dragon ever-so-rudely interrupts, bellowing “I am fire! I AM DEATH!”
Snape: …this is Smaug.
Smaug: [Hisses and growls, beginning to glow a faint red]
Snape: I mean, Smaug the Stupendous. Truly, the tales and songs fall utterly short of your enormity, O Smaug the Stupendous, O Smaug the chiefest and greatest of calamities.
Smaug: [Hisses happily now] Much better.
Another set of lights flip on to reveal a pretty, blonde girl dressed in blue who sits on Snape’s other side. Flying around her are three small dragons. The audience goes even more wild.
Smaug: STEP INTO THE LIGHT.
Snape: Stop it, you. This is Daenerys Stormborn of House Targaryen, Queen of the Andals and the First Men, Khaleesi of the Great Grass Sea, Breaker of Chains, and Mother of Dragons. My gosh, girl, how many titles do you need?
Daenerys: [Smiles and waves] You can just call me Dany.
Snape: Smaug – Smaug the Stupendous, that is – currently resides in a cave in Middle-earth, where he likes to count his gold, gaze at gold, and roll around in gold. Meanwhile, Dany is attempting to win back the Seven Kingdoms and finds herself in the same position I do – we are perceived as good or evil depending on who is doing the judging. Perspective is key, villains!
Lots of applause follows.
Snape: Today, Smaug the Stupendous and Dany would like to educate members of the Good-Sinful Alliance about non-human participants in evil. They would like to draw attention to dragons. Tell us, now – what are the main reasons for human villains to ally with and respect dragons?
Smaug: Because my armor is like tenfold shields. My teeth like swords. My claws, spears.
The shock of my tail, a thunderbolt. My wings, a hurricane. And my breath, death. I could destroy anyone I wish.
Snape: [Looks worried] All right, yes, but besides that? Any other reasons besides fear? I mean, fear is our friend – very helpful for intimidating those insufferable good guys – but it won’t do to have villains scared of other villains. We must be allies or we’ll never get anything done. We’ll never take over the world and eradicate goodness and light!
Dany: Excuse me, but he does have a point. Dragons are immensely powerful. And I don’t know of many other villains who can fly.
Snape: [Splutters] I flew out of a window in Hogwarts!
Dany: [Pets one of her dragons as it sits on her lap] Whoops. Well, you don’t have impressive wings. Sorry.
Smaug: This conversation has grown boring. May I incinerate something?
Snape: No, no, not quite yet. But soon… Anyway, can you list some ways in which you – or your wards, friends, pets, children whatever they are to you, Dany – have used those impressively evil and dragon-y powers to further our cause?
Smaug: I terrorize Laketown. Frequently. And only the other day, I nearly roasted thirteen dwarves and a hobbit.
Dany: [Starts giggling and covers her mouth with a hand to hide it] Only nearly?
Smaug: Well, in my defense, I was out of practice. And what have you done, Little Miss Whatshername – Mommy of Dragons, was it?
Dany: [Makes dragon noises] I’ll have you know that Drogon, Rhaegal, and Viserion have burnt a man alive!
Smaug: [Snorts] You named a dragon Drogon?
Dany: [Indignantly] I named him after my husband! Khal Drogo. He already appeared in a Good-Sinful Alliance notice.
Smaug: [Chortles in a most undignified and undragonlike manner]
Snape: OK, this is getting too weird for words now. Moving on. One final question – if human villains care to send you gifts in gratitude for your help in burning villages to the ground and whatnot, is there anything in particular that you’d like?
Dany: Steaks. My dragons like steaks.
Smaug: I prefer hobbit. Or gold. Or a hobbit encrusted in gold – they stay fresh longer that way.
Snape: Ah. Um… I see. It’s now time for a quick question and answer session. Anyone?
Snape: Yes, Bella?
Bellatrix Lestrange: Smaug the Stupendous, Dany, were either of you involved in the recent Gringotts catastrophe? The one that involved breaking into my vault and letting loose a dragon that then flew through the roof of the bank?
Dany: I wish. Sorry, that didn’t come out right. I only meant… dragon liberation is always a worthy cause. And did these intruders ride the dragon?
Bellatrix: I believe so, yes. Why?
Dany: Well, I’d like to meet them. Because the brave men did not kill the dragons – the brave men rode them.
Bellatrix: [Sneers] They’re on the side of good.
Snape: [Hurriedly] Any other questions? Any other questions at all?
A man in a suit raises his hand.
Snape: And who might you be?
The man says, “Moriarty. Jim Moriarty.”
Snape: Go on, then. What’s your question?
Jim Moriarty: Well, I was wondering. This Smaug… Smaug the Stupendous – his voice reminds me of something. It almost reminds me of that of my nemesis. But I can’t figure out why. Is there anything you’d like to say to that, O Smaug?
Smaug: No comment.
Moriarty: [Sits down, visibly disappointed]
Snape: Well, that’s all we have time for, folks. Dany needs to go cook her dragons some steaks, and Smaug is suffering gold withdrawal. But never fear! We shall return. In the meantime, enjoy yourselves – I do believe Loki is holding a dance party over in Room B – and don’t forget: stay cool. Stay evil.